You're The Man Buddha!

He loves me! I knew he did. I questioned so many times if my Buddha was real or an illusion. He's real. From the depths of my soul, Mario, thank you.

I woke up early this morning and felt free. I don't know why but it feels like the tie has been severed. He's gone, and for the first time I'm not sure if I'll ever hear from him again.

I thought about him all day yesterday, and it just wore me down. I was almost broken. I am no position to be in a relationship, not mentally anyway. I don't blame my Buddha for that, but I do blame it on life. Financially, not stable. When my car is paid off in two years I will be much.better off. By then I know where I will be permanently.

Which led me to another thought. If I saw Buddha during the summer, what would happen after? We plan to move back to Cali in September, but plans don't always go the way you'd like. I may end up staying here in New Mexico for a while. I may be in Washington with Mama. I wanna be with Mario but I just don't see it right now.

So what would it have been? A summer fling? I sure as hell would not be a booty call.  Could've been much like the first round, and when he split the first time I lost all sense of reality. My spirit was gone, I didn't give a fuck, my daughter saw me in a way she never should have. I was destroyed. Round two, I still remember in detail that pic he texted me. It's been a rollercoaster ever since, but it feels like the ride has finally ended.

Mario, I asked you to contact me within two days; you did. You said you would call or text in another two weeks; you did. I guess all I needed to know is if my Buddha loved me the way I always felt he did. I know what you said; I remember all our conversations. But you didn't have to say this. You proved it.

But you just had to text me "hello" didn't you? You always had me at me hello, and you still do. You're awesome.

I am gonna love you til my dying day. That will never change. You're right, we do great over the phone. I don't know if I could survive in your world; I don't know if you could last in mine. I am so screwed up and I need to fix this. Some days will be good, many I'm sure will suck big time. But you gave me my Buddha back. You are the man, baby.

And for now, I'm free!

Lovin My Peeps

This has been a pretty cool week for me, kind of a this-week-went-by-fast type of week, and the past two weeks seemed to go by even faster. I gotta admit, I thought the days would just drag on by. He's supposedly getting his phone back today, and God knows if he will call or text like he said he would, but still I am stricken with a strange sense of comfort.

Bug went to her first dance Friday night. You know that hit me rather hard- the beginning of the end. And as I worked on her hair (thanks Jo for coming to hook it up), I was envisioning prom night. I have two scenarios:

I'm in the front when her dates raps at the door. In one hand is a large fantasy blade, perhaps a sword, sharp as hell and ready to kill. On the coffee table before me is the remainder of my collection, spread out in an eye widening display. I'm polishing them. They're my pride and joy. I glance at Bug's date with a charming smile and firmly yet gently ask "So, what do you plan to do with my daughter?" It's not a final plan even though I've been tweaking it since the day she was born.

I thought of this one on Friday: Date comes to the door and I boldly exclaim "If you take my daughter's virginity, Bubba will take yours." Bug or her date asks, "Who's Bubba?" And I reply "The big, nasty bastard I will get to fuck you in the ass." Can you say that to a kid? Then again by prom he may be of age, barely. Haven't got Plan #3 yet.

I was scheduled to go to Eric's for dinner Saturday night. I haven't seen him since his wedding, but I still adore that man. He's my boo. Buddha asked me once if I could have anyone, other than him of course, who it would be. Eric. Funny that Buddha agreed had he been gay. Remember that convo Buddha? I didn't go. I'd have to kill Rosa off first then go back to console Eric. Haven't planned that out yet. Instead I stayed back and drank with Chops across the street. Ever BBQ a pizza? It is really freaking good, much better than baked. Don't ask what I drank, just a concoction of God knows what. Bug played with his kids, Joe was there, and when Ja got back from dinner she joined. Chops is off the chain. I so feel for his wife. Twelve years of that? Really? I envy that.

Sunday was quiet. Monday Kira stayed home from school cause my phone croaked. Thanks Ja. We did Michael that night. We used to exercise regularly and it's been a while, but we are getting back into it. Gotta slim down, getting healthy, see how much jiggle we can delete from the wiggle. To make it funner I thought up a challenge. At the end of our workout we will pick one song and do the dance blindfolded. Thriller we all know so yeah that was Monday's. We're gonna work our way up from easiest routine to the hardest. Michael = easy; Black Eyed Peas = medium to hard; Just Dance 2 = uh, yeah.

Yesterday was errand day. Nice going Ja. Didn't remember that the tags on her truck expired three months ago. Perfect way to describe Lovington: I went to the DMV. There were three people ahead of me, the office was the size of a Payless, and I counted a total of 30 chairs. The lady at the counter told me they just relocated. The previous office was one-third that size with 7 chairs. When we say we're in Bumb Fuck Egypt... out in the sticks... middle of nowhere... We mean just that.

My cousin mentioned last night that today is the 10th. It wasn't like I was counting the days, but she knew where my mind was. I couldn't deny it. "You just had to bring that up, huh?" That was my reaction on top of the blank stare I gave her. Was I vibing that hard? Damn.

Don't know if he'll call. Maybe he will; maybe he won't. Could be today; could be another day. A text, a call, or nothing at all. Wow, that line sounded like a Dr. Suess rhyme. And so did that one! Lol. Still, I am strangely comforted. The world continues to spin on its axis, the sun is out for an unpredictable amount of time, and I am smiling.

Today's forecast: Sunny and clear

Assembly Required

I am quite proud of myself. We just came inside, Ja and I. We spent the day zoned out in front of the tv watching Knight Rider and Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry on Netflix. About 5pm we went outside to piece her truck together.

It was a hot mess and I would have a fat stack of cash had I paid myself for everytime I said "This is bullshit." The dash was completely torn apart, all the pieces tossed in the back seat of the F150. Someone tore it apart cause they planned to change the heater core which apparently is unreachable from the engine. Through the dash? Interesting.

There was nothing left. The gauges were hanging on by the wires, and basically it was stripped all the way to the frame. Even the glove box was removed. What idiot in his right mind would take out the glove compartment, passenger air bag unit, stereo, and ac/heat controls amongst all else to change a heater core? The passenger side panels were removed, buy the weather stripping held fast. Obviously the workings of a crack head.

There are too many freaking screws. Ja took to the driver side; I had shotgun. It was like piecing together a puzzle. But we did it. Sure it took some hours, and thank God my dwindled tool supply was adequate enough for the job, but we did it. I felt a small touch of pride in reconnecting the air bag and the ac control units. I clicked the stereo back in place. Ja turned the truck on to check our progress and when the air kicked on I was like "Yeah buddy!"

Assembling an entire dash kind of seemed like a royal pain but honestly it actually wasn't. It was rather fun. I've worked on a car or two in my day so I'm not a complete dummy. If a crack head could take it apart, then two sensible ladies could put it back together. In a few short hours it upgraded from a frame to a truck.

We're done for now. It's cold out, it's dark and we're tired. Bad news: there are still a shit load of screws left. Anywhere we could find a screw hole we filled in with a screw. Ja's bright idea "We can take it apart and do it again." Sure, why not? Not much else to do in good ol Lovington. At least the truck runs and looks like a truck again.

It was good day.

The Year Without An Easter Bunny

I was never too keen on The Year Without A Santa Claus but I love the Meiser Brothers- Heat Meiser and Snow Meiser. Snow Meiser, gay as hell, but that's my man dammit. "I'm Mr. White Christmas... I'm Mr. Snow..." Awesome.

This was a crazy Easter here in Lovington, New Mexico, Land of Enchantment. I say that rather loosely and unforgiving. And, of course it all began on Good Friday. This is the year when Drew almost killed the Easter Bunny.

Good Friday, March 29th 2013: Ja and Jodi got into it. It was their semi-annual arguement. It was not a pretty one. None of them are, but this time my niece packed her belongings and moved out. She lives with her man regardless but at least her room was her room and her stuff was here. It's not the same now. I still call it Jodi's room.

She kept the kids' Easter baskets, candy and toys at Chris' house. Very smart considering Bug has eyes like a hawk and can sniff out anything now matter how good it's hidden. Drew brought it here to the house and I told him to put it up in the closet after he first dropped it in the kitchen. Rocket science, right?

My cousin came over with the boys to color Easter eggs. We started with a dozen and a half which apparently wasn't enough, so as I boiled more eggs, the kids went in Jodi's room to play on the PS3 with Drew. Round two of egg coloring, they left around 11pm, I talked to mom for a while, and finally got Kira and Justin down to bed. At one point I whispered to Drew to get the stuff down from the closet to do the baskets.

One o'clock rolls around, the kids are asleep and I sneak into the room to help get the baskets together. The closet doors are wide open and the bags and wrapping are on the closet floor. As Drew and I worked on the baskets, he tells me that the kids saw the stuff but it was okay because he said it was for the boys. Come to find out, the way the stuff was when I came in the room was the same condition it was in the whole time the kids were in the room, open doors and all. Nice.

Sunday morning Kira and Justin wake up, baskets placed strategically next to them. Not an ounce of excitement, no twinkle in the eye that shouts "The Easter Bunny was here!" Nada. Instead Justin announced that Drew was the Easter Bunny. They saw the stuff in the closet the night before, they even went in the room to check that it was the same stuff from the closet. Never had I ever seen such broken hearts. I tried to take pictures of the kids with their baskets. Justin smiled but it damn near took a threat to get a smile out of Kira, it was like pulling teeth.

They opened the wrapping and dug through the baskets. Justin repeated over and over that Drew was the bunny. It was him. Maybe me, possibly Ja and Jodi too. Bye bye Bunny.

But Kira resurrected him. "Drew's not the Easter Bunny. I saw him. He's big and he's pink and he's coming tonight. We get another basket, huh mom?" Justin tried to debate her story but she stuck to her guns. "That's right, baby." Both grabbed their puzzles and went to piece them together on the kitchen floor. Never had I heard such silence, not a whimper, not a sneeze, not a fart. The silence was deafening. My heart sank. But there was hope. Way to go Bug!

I called Ja. We planned to sneak away to Walmart late that night unbeknownst to unsuspecting eyes. I was already up late the night before from the arguing, that last night to do baskets, and now another. Ever noticed how tired you get when you know you gotta stay up? Any other day of the week an all-nighter is a walk in the park. Thanks Gwen! She was here for Easter to take Justin back to California. She knew I let the kids stay home from church to maximize time with Justin before he left. She called and insisted that Justin attended church. Kira could go if she wanted. Half hour later they left. Thank the Lord!

Differnce between New Mexico and California: New Mexico takes down all Easter stuff the night before Easter... and the toy selection sucks. Anything worth anything I categorized under Christmas, and I was not going there. I ran around for hours, from Hobbs back to Lovington looking for items worthy of an Easter basket. A hundred dollars later, I made it home in time to get the house ready for company. Thanks Bug.

All things considered the day was good. We did an Easter egg hunt, hooked up a good meal, watched some movies and just had quality family time. Jodi even came for a bit. It was a good day. Of course, the tall pink bunny made his guest appearance that night. Bug told me about it the next morning. He left his green reusable Walmart bag here, the one he carried the stuff in with. It's a special bag. Way to go, Bug.

My cousin and I had a discussion. There is a guy (don't recall the name but he knows who he is and maybe you do too) who preaches that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are ways of praising the white man. My cousin works hard to provide for her kids. I understand that. She raised her kids to know that she buys the Easter toys, candy, Christmas presents, all that. Understand that too. Much respect my love.

As far as humanity has come in this country, why do things still continue to be black and white? I believe that faith begins with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Kids know in their hearts that they exist even though they never will see them (present company excluded, right Bug). It's about faith, giving children something to believe in. Santa's a white man... ok. To a child he's a fat guy in a red suit who is hauled around by reindeer. The Tooth Fairy? All I knew was that it is a female who purchases fallen baby teeth. Apparently the Easter Bunny is a pink rabbit. Children don't see black and white. So as a people, why do we continue to drill that whole black and white thing into their heads?

So I thought about it. Jesus really was a black man but His image is accepted in the white form. Now we all agree that Jesus existed, and that during the days of slavery and most likely pre-slavery, blacks were severely looked down upon. So how do you get a white man to accept Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior? Make him white. Rocket science.

I'm black, or of African American descent, whatever suits your taste, so I can say this. "Ya'll, please knock it off. I am half white and have yet to see a white person pointing out to their kids that Santa is white. A black person will point out all that shit. It's past time to overcome."

To all those black extremists... FUCK YOU! You bitches are the most racist mother fuckers on this planet and the primary reason racism still exists. Who gives a sky-diving shit what color the bunny, the fairy and the jolly fat elf are? And leave Jesus alone! I don't recall him saying as he died on the cross "I'm black peeps, pass it on!" The innocence of a child is very powerful so stop destoying it cause you're mad. Children see Mom, Dad, bunny and elf. They don't see skin color until Mom and Dad point it out which you so gracefully bombard Mom and Dad with, unless they are so fortunate as to grow up and discover your bullshit. Get over it. You were not slaves. Your ancestors may have been, but you never were. FYI, slavery was created by the BLACK man. Amen.

I'm broke now, thanks to my dearest and most beloved light of my life. The cost of seeing those big brown eyes light up, the tale of her lastest bunny sighting and the restoration of her faith? Priceless!

Did you like that whole "fuck you" thing? Classic, right? I should be a motivational speaker, lol.