You're The Man Buddha!

He loves me! I knew he did. I questioned so many times if my Buddha was real or an illusion. He's real. From the depths of my soul, Mario, thank you.

I woke up early this morning and felt free. I don't know why but it feels like the tie has been severed. He's gone, and for the first time I'm not sure if I'll ever hear from him again.

I thought about him all day yesterday, and it just wore me down. I was almost broken. I am no position to be in a relationship, not mentally anyway. I don't blame my Buddha for that, but I do blame it on life. Financially, not stable. When my car is paid off in two years I will be much.better off. By then I know where I will be permanently.

Which led me to another thought. If I saw Buddha during the summer, what would happen after? We plan to move back to Cali in September, but plans don't always go the way you'd like. I may end up staying here in New Mexico for a while. I may be in Washington with Mama. I wanna be with Mario but I just don't see it right now.

So what would it have been? A summer fling? I sure as hell would not be a booty call.  Could've been much like the first round, and when he split the first time I lost all sense of reality. My spirit was gone, I didn't give a fuck, my daughter saw me in a way she never should have. I was destroyed. Round two, I still remember in detail that pic he texted me. It's been a rollercoaster ever since, but it feels like the ride has finally ended.

Mario, I asked you to contact me within two days; you did. You said you would call or text in another two weeks; you did. I guess all I needed to know is if my Buddha loved me the way I always felt he did. I know what you said; I remember all our conversations. But you didn't have to say this. You proved it.

But you just had to text me "hello" didn't you? You always had me at me hello, and you still do. You're awesome.

I am gonna love you til my dying day. That will never change. You're right, we do great over the phone. I don't know if I could survive in your world; I don't know if you could last in mine. I am so screwed up and I need to fix this. Some days will be good, many I'm sure will suck big time. But you gave me my Buddha back. You are the man, baby.

And for now, I'm free!

Lovin My Peeps

This has been a pretty cool week for me, kind of a this-week-went-by-fast type of week, and the past two weeks seemed to go by even faster. I gotta admit, I thought the days would just drag on by. He's supposedly getting his phone back today, and God knows if he will call or text like he said he would, but still I am stricken with a strange sense of comfort.

Bug went to her first dance Friday night. You know that hit me rather hard- the beginning of the end. And as I worked on her hair (thanks Jo for coming to hook it up), I was envisioning prom night. I have two scenarios:

I'm in the front when her dates raps at the door. In one hand is a large fantasy blade, perhaps a sword, sharp as hell and ready to kill. On the coffee table before me is the remainder of my collection, spread out in an eye widening display. I'm polishing them. They're my pride and joy. I glance at Bug's date with a charming smile and firmly yet gently ask "So, what do you plan to do with my daughter?" It's not a final plan even though I've been tweaking it since the day she was born.

I thought of this one on Friday: Date comes to the door and I boldly exclaim "If you take my daughter's virginity, Bubba will take yours." Bug or her date asks, "Who's Bubba?" And I reply "The big, nasty bastard I will get to fuck you in the ass." Can you say that to a kid? Then again by prom he may be of age, barely. Haven't got Plan #3 yet.

I was scheduled to go to Eric's for dinner Saturday night. I haven't seen him since his wedding, but I still adore that man. He's my boo. Buddha asked me once if I could have anyone, other than him of course, who it would be. Eric. Funny that Buddha agreed had he been gay. Remember that convo Buddha? I didn't go. I'd have to kill Rosa off first then go back to console Eric. Haven't planned that out yet. Instead I stayed back and drank with Chops across the street. Ever BBQ a pizza? It is really freaking good, much better than baked. Don't ask what I drank, just a concoction of God knows what. Bug played with his kids, Joe was there, and when Ja got back from dinner she joined. Chops is off the chain. I so feel for his wife. Twelve years of that? Really? I envy that.

Sunday was quiet. Monday Kira stayed home from school cause my phone croaked. Thanks Ja. We did Michael that night. We used to exercise regularly and it's been a while, but we are getting back into it. Gotta slim down, getting healthy, see how much jiggle we can delete from the wiggle. To make it funner I thought up a challenge. At the end of our workout we will pick one song and do the dance blindfolded. Thriller we all know so yeah that was Monday's. We're gonna work our way up from easiest routine to the hardest. Michael = easy; Black Eyed Peas = medium to hard; Just Dance 2 = uh, yeah.

Yesterday was errand day. Nice going Ja. Didn't remember that the tags on her truck expired three months ago. Perfect way to describe Lovington: I went to the DMV. There were three people ahead of me, the office was the size of a Payless, and I counted a total of 30 chairs. The lady at the counter told me they just relocated. The previous office was one-third that size with 7 chairs. When we say we're in Bumb Fuck Egypt... out in the sticks... middle of nowhere... We mean just that.

My cousin mentioned last night that today is the 10th. It wasn't like I was counting the days, but she knew where my mind was. I couldn't deny it. "You just had to bring that up, huh?" That was my reaction on top of the blank stare I gave her. Was I vibing that hard? Damn.

Don't know if he'll call. Maybe he will; maybe he won't. Could be today; could be another day. A text, a call, or nothing at all. Wow, that line sounded like a Dr. Suess rhyme. And so did that one! Lol. Still, I am strangely comforted. The world continues to spin on its axis, the sun is out for an unpredictable amount of time, and I am smiling.

Today's forecast: Sunny and clear

Assembly Required

I am quite proud of myself. We just came inside, Ja and I. We spent the day zoned out in front of the tv watching Knight Rider and Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry on Netflix. About 5pm we went outside to piece her truck together.

It was a hot mess and I would have a fat stack of cash had I paid myself for everytime I said "This is bullshit." The dash was completely torn apart, all the pieces tossed in the back seat of the F150. Someone tore it apart cause they planned to change the heater core which apparently is unreachable from the engine. Through the dash? Interesting.

There was nothing left. The gauges were hanging on by the wires, and basically it was stripped all the way to the frame. Even the glove box was removed. What idiot in his right mind would take out the glove compartment, passenger air bag unit, stereo, and ac/heat controls amongst all else to change a heater core? The passenger side panels were removed, buy the weather stripping held fast. Obviously the workings of a crack head.

There are too many freaking screws. Ja took to the driver side; I had shotgun. It was like piecing together a puzzle. But we did it. Sure it took some hours, and thank God my dwindled tool supply was adequate enough for the job, but we did it. I felt a small touch of pride in reconnecting the air bag and the ac control units. I clicked the stereo back in place. Ja turned the truck on to check our progress and when the air kicked on I was like "Yeah buddy!"

Assembling an entire dash kind of seemed like a royal pain but honestly it actually wasn't. It was rather fun. I've worked on a car or two in my day so I'm not a complete dummy. If a crack head could take it apart, then two sensible ladies could put it back together. In a few short hours it upgraded from a frame to a truck.

We're done for now. It's cold out, it's dark and we're tired. Bad news: there are still a shit load of screws left. Anywhere we could find a screw hole we filled in with a screw. Ja's bright idea "We can take it apart and do it again." Sure, why not? Not much else to do in good ol Lovington. At least the truck runs and looks like a truck again.

It was good day.

The Year Without An Easter Bunny

I was never too keen on The Year Without A Santa Claus but I love the Meiser Brothers- Heat Meiser and Snow Meiser. Snow Meiser, gay as hell, but that's my man dammit. "I'm Mr. White Christmas... I'm Mr. Snow..." Awesome.

This was a crazy Easter here in Lovington, New Mexico, Land of Enchantment. I say that rather loosely and unforgiving. And, of course it all began on Good Friday. This is the year when Drew almost killed the Easter Bunny.

Good Friday, March 29th 2013: Ja and Jodi got into it. It was their semi-annual arguement. It was not a pretty one. None of them are, but this time my niece packed her belongings and moved out. She lives with her man regardless but at least her room was her room and her stuff was here. It's not the same now. I still call it Jodi's room.

She kept the kids' Easter baskets, candy and toys at Chris' house. Very smart considering Bug has eyes like a hawk and can sniff out anything now matter how good it's hidden. Drew brought it here to the house and I told him to put it up in the closet after he first dropped it in the kitchen. Rocket science, right?

My cousin came over with the boys to color Easter eggs. We started with a dozen and a half which apparently wasn't enough, so as I boiled more eggs, the kids went in Jodi's room to play on the PS3 with Drew. Round two of egg coloring, they left around 11pm, I talked to mom for a while, and finally got Kira and Justin down to bed. At one point I whispered to Drew to get the stuff down from the closet to do the baskets.

One o'clock rolls around, the kids are asleep and I sneak into the room to help get the baskets together. The closet doors are wide open and the bags and wrapping are on the closet floor. As Drew and I worked on the baskets, he tells me that the kids saw the stuff but it was okay because he said it was for the boys. Come to find out, the way the stuff was when I came in the room was the same condition it was in the whole time the kids were in the room, open doors and all. Nice.

Sunday morning Kira and Justin wake up, baskets placed strategically next to them. Not an ounce of excitement, no twinkle in the eye that shouts "The Easter Bunny was here!" Nada. Instead Justin announced that Drew was the Easter Bunny. They saw the stuff in the closet the night before, they even went in the room to check that it was the same stuff from the closet. Never had I ever seen such broken hearts. I tried to take pictures of the kids with their baskets. Justin smiled but it damn near took a threat to get a smile out of Kira, it was like pulling teeth.

They opened the wrapping and dug through the baskets. Justin repeated over and over that Drew was the bunny. It was him. Maybe me, possibly Ja and Jodi too. Bye bye Bunny.

But Kira resurrected him. "Drew's not the Easter Bunny. I saw him. He's big and he's pink and he's coming tonight. We get another basket, huh mom?" Justin tried to debate her story but she stuck to her guns. "That's right, baby." Both grabbed their puzzles and went to piece them together on the kitchen floor. Never had I heard such silence, not a whimper, not a sneeze, not a fart. The silence was deafening. My heart sank. But there was hope. Way to go Bug!

I called Ja. We planned to sneak away to Walmart late that night unbeknownst to unsuspecting eyes. I was already up late the night before from the arguing, that last night to do baskets, and now another. Ever noticed how tired you get when you know you gotta stay up? Any other day of the week an all-nighter is a walk in the park. Thanks Gwen! She was here for Easter to take Justin back to California. She knew I let the kids stay home from church to maximize time with Justin before he left. She called and insisted that Justin attended church. Kira could go if she wanted. Half hour later they left. Thank the Lord!

Differnce between New Mexico and California: New Mexico takes down all Easter stuff the night before Easter... and the toy selection sucks. Anything worth anything I categorized under Christmas, and I was not going there. I ran around for hours, from Hobbs back to Lovington looking for items worthy of an Easter basket. A hundred dollars later, I made it home in time to get the house ready for company. Thanks Bug.

All things considered the day was good. We did an Easter egg hunt, hooked up a good meal, watched some movies and just had quality family time. Jodi even came for a bit. It was a good day. Of course, the tall pink bunny made his guest appearance that night. Bug told me about it the next morning. He left his green reusable Walmart bag here, the one he carried the stuff in with. It's a special bag. Way to go, Bug.

My cousin and I had a discussion. There is a guy (don't recall the name but he knows who he is and maybe you do too) who preaches that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are ways of praising the white man. My cousin works hard to provide for her kids. I understand that. She raised her kids to know that she buys the Easter toys, candy, Christmas presents, all that. Understand that too. Much respect my love.

As far as humanity has come in this country, why do things still continue to be black and white? I believe that faith begins with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Kids know in their hearts that they exist even though they never will see them (present company excluded, right Bug). It's about faith, giving children something to believe in. Santa's a white man... ok. To a child he's a fat guy in a red suit who is hauled around by reindeer. The Tooth Fairy? All I knew was that it is a female who purchases fallen baby teeth. Apparently the Easter Bunny is a pink rabbit. Children don't see black and white. So as a people, why do we continue to drill that whole black and white thing into their heads?

So I thought about it. Jesus really was a black man but His image is accepted in the white form. Now we all agree that Jesus existed, and that during the days of slavery and most likely pre-slavery, blacks were severely looked down upon. So how do you get a white man to accept Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior? Make him white. Rocket science.

I'm black, or of African American descent, whatever suits your taste, so I can say this. "Ya'll, please knock it off. I am half white and have yet to see a white person pointing out to their kids that Santa is white. A black person will point out all that shit. It's past time to overcome."

To all those black extremists... FUCK YOU! You bitches are the most racist mother fuckers on this planet and the primary reason racism still exists. Who gives a sky-diving shit what color the bunny, the fairy and the jolly fat elf are? And leave Jesus alone! I don't recall him saying as he died on the cross "I'm black peeps, pass it on!" The innocence of a child is very powerful so stop destoying it cause you're mad. Children see Mom, Dad, bunny and elf. They don't see skin color until Mom and Dad point it out which you so gracefully bombard Mom and Dad with, unless they are so fortunate as to grow up and discover your bullshit. Get over it. You were not slaves. Your ancestors may have been, but you never were. FYI, slavery was created by the BLACK man. Amen.

I'm broke now, thanks to my dearest and most beloved light of my life. The cost of seeing those big brown eyes light up, the tale of her lastest bunny sighting and the restoration of her faith? Priceless!

Did you like that whole "fuck you" thing? Classic, right? I should be a motivational speaker, lol.

Good Friday -> Bad Saturday

I can't get him out of my head. I'm trying. I gotta clean up, Easter's tomorrow and the house is half in shambles. My body is sore all over but the heartache is worse. I focus on that and the aches and pains disappear; I fight the heartache and the aches and pains return.

I have his picture in my mind. I can see it so clearly. I memorized every line, every curve, every hue of every color. It was the first pic he ever texted me. That was about four phones ago. I still have it. It's on one of my computer discs that I loaded a bunch if pictures on, locked away in my storage unit in Stockton. If I was an artist I could draw it easily down to the last detail. He's thinking about me. I'm almost sure of it.

So far my readings have shown me three types of connections a person has with a loved one: the soulmate, the twin flame, and the soul tie. I'm still researching the soul tie, and although how I feel about Mario is very close to that, the best and most accurate description is the twin flame.

The telepathic connection between twin flames is crazy and beyond all scientific reasoning. You would have to experience it to believe it. He always knew when I was in Hanford and when I left for Stockton, even if he wasn't consciously aware of it. Months will go by and I know when he will call. We can talk forever and I will know when the last time will be that we speak. When I can't get him out of my head, he tells me he was thinking about me during that time. All things weird, true and freaky. I'm still researching...

Hmmm, I can't think right now. I don't know what more to say. The words escape me. The last message, he will call or text on the 10th when he gets his phone back. I don't believe it and yet I feel that he will. I can't think. That picture is branded deep in my mental rolodex and is piercing straight through my eyes. He's thinking about me. Buddha, I'm thinking of you too.

It's not a good day

ADENDUM:

I had a weird experience once, very long time ago. I was laying on my bed watching tv and I blinked, but when my eyes opened I wasn't home. I wasn't even in the same body. I was in a man's. I looked around the room. Each time that I focused on something it seemed to zoom in where I could see detail, almost like Catwoman's vision when she focused on something. I was in a bedroom, the tv was on. I can't remember what I was watching, but I did then. I wrote this all down in a journal I no longer have. I wanna say it was CSI. There was someone on the bed next to me sleeping. I couldn't see who. They were curled in a tight ball, wrapped snuggly in the blanket and sleeping like a baby. I described the room in my journal but I can faintly remember it now. It was quite some time ago.

I asked Buddha to describe his room to me once upon a time. He probably thought I was nuts. It was a week or so after that "dream." He did, all the way to the lighting. He even told me that he imagined me curled up on his bed once. I was there, I know I was. His description and my journal matched perfectly except that my description was a mirror image. It was coincidental enough for me. He even told me about the piece of clothing that was sticking out of one of his dresser drawers. Exactly what I had written.

I thought that over for so long then suddenly it made sense. That person in his bed was me and in that room I would have been facing a mirror. So what I saw and what I wrote was a reflection. I don't think I ever told him why I asked him about his room. But if he reads this he will know.

What made me think about that just know? Oh yeah, the whole telepathic connection thing. Yup, all things weird, true and freaky.

Time to clean.

Clouds

I just got home. I pulled into my parking spot, turned off the engine, gather my things, and opened the door. Before I hopped out the car I saw two birds in the sky above the roof of my house. They didn't flap their wings. They simply glided, soaring high in the air. They were free.

My focus shifted to the space between my house and the one next door. It was the perfect picture. I pulled a cigarette from the pocket of my driver door, lit it and continued to stare into the distance and thought to myself "That describes me perfectly."

It's a beautiful day, the sun is out and the birds are singing. Rarely do I bother to notice. But in that warm sky were clouds I could not take my eyes off of- half of them were crisp and clear, the other half a dull smudge across the heavens. The smudge caught most of my attention.

I jumped from the car, pulled my chair from the back seat, grabbed my phone and made my way between the houses. I had to get a shot of this, maybe show Barbara. This was my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, painted in the sky. I need this picture.

I came inside and reviewed it. Surprise, surprise. Usually my scenery pics don't turn out very well but this one did. Good deal, pat on the back. Maybe it was because I felt this one as opposed to looking at it. I guess that would constitute perception. It's not so much of the eyes as it is of the heart.

I know God is out there somewhere in the distance holding on to my happiness that seems practically unobtainable. He's the sky. For every blessing that I have is a crisp and clear cloud, billowy and bright. The rest makes no sense at all but it's there, smeared across such a wonderful picture.

There are power lines thinly streached across the sky. My power source, that which gets me up each agonizing morning and keeps me going throughout each and every miserable day. Where does that energy come from and what direction is it headed? You can't see it beneath its sheath but you know it's there.

A couple trees are in the bottom corner. Funny I didn't notice them before. But then again I don't tend to stray too far from the front door on a regular basis or for extended periods of time. They looked like blacked out shapes but under better lighting I can see that they are green. My eyes are not the best in this world but then again that could just be my perception.

I went out to see the kids from the bus. Justin's leaving for home in a couple days. Sorry baby. I tried to get mommy to let you stay. So many reasons to stay, only one to return home to. I love you and will see you in a couple of months. By the end of summer? Ok Gwen, take him back! But I saw a new area of sky as I got the kids- a patch that was much cloudier and had more smears than clarity. That's me too. Some days are brighter and sharper than others. On the worst of days those clouds are crammed together. It rains. Other times a swirling vortex forms high above which will eventually funnel to the ground. It causes minimal to maximum damage depending on the severity. I'm not in the mood. Leave me alone.

Feelings change with the weather and many times I wish I could control them. But the weather is uncontrollable to man. It just is what it is on the day that it's on. God can fix this if I let Him. Any suggestions? I'll google it.

Feelings need to be felt within the spirit not seen with the eyes. But I guess one must step outside themselves once in a while to see the clarity behind the smudges. Tornados destroy; man rebuilds. God tests us all. He's the weather. How strong the will is determines our survival. We rebuild, we adapt to survive. I'm just breathing. That's hard enough. It's time to survive.

To my cousin Marie. Girl, thank you for always being there. Thank you for being you and seeing past the.mask I have sculpted to near perfection. Ja, there are no words in Heaven or Earth to express how much I treasure you. Mom, sorry for being a pain in the ass. I love you. Bug, I read once: my father never taught me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it. You are a perfect reflection of him. You are my teacher. I will learn. Mo, Jodi, Drew, I carry you in my soul. I love my family. Family is love. So what the hell am I complaining for? I will learn. Just give me some minutes.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I'm sure I'll forget. Note to self: remember Good Friday and give the hour of silence to remember what Jesus did for me. Catholosism works for me. Give praise to the saints. In time sins will be confessed and when I'm ready I will ask for forgiveness. Someday, hopefully before I croak. I'll learn.

Lesson 2: Forgiveness. Buddha, block is gone. If you every wonder where my mind is, look to the weather for guidance. I will have sunny days, stormy days, and all days in between. Just gotta dress for the occassion. Todays forcast: partly cloudy.

Time to get moving. Time to clean. Keep it together Mish and let those clouds stay where they belong... in the sky. God will take it from there.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost... Amen

V's Theory

"If someone does something that makes them happy for at least 10 minutes every day, that person will stay happy for 24 hours."

He told me this last night, and I have been trying to look that up ever since. Technically speaking, or theoretically, you can google just about everything. I have not found it yet.

V is my best friend here in New Mexico. I met him a year ago, practically to the day, but we maintained a distant friendship. He was always over the road working and as of a couple of weeks ago, he moved here to Lovington. Poor thing. Hey, can't say I didn't warn him.

He reminds me so much of Poppa, my best friend in California. They are similar in so many ways, fun-loving, spirited, down to earth, and just the lights in my life. I also met V the same way I met Poppa- online. He was on a site where I game; Poppa was a dating site but that was never the basis for our friendship. Both men I either texted or called but didn't meet in person. It was almost comforting knowing someone was always there, and most importantly, not a friendship I would compromise.

V knows about Buddha, and as of recent events I was rather upset. He finally convinced me to go hang out for a beer with him last night, and I did. He's hella cool, same as Poppa. It's nice to have good people like that in your circle. He cheered me up. We laughed, drank and just joked around.

Anything else you ask? Hehehe, well, what can I say? I'm me. I'm single so I act single. I may feel like dying most times, but I am not dead yet. He's married to a beautiful lady, but she lives a ways from here. I'm gonna burn for sure.

V tells me it's not about what he has, it's about what he needs. I asked him what he needed and he said "Everyday I need you." Freaking liar, but it sure sounded good sliding off his tongue and flowing from his lips. He's a charmer and it is painfully obvious why any woman would walk the aisle with him. Buddha says an occassional something that hits me just the right way. I call it Tyler Perry Shit. When V says it, it seems genuine and from the heart. Just my luck that he's married.

PART 2:

I started writing this yesterday but V monopolized most of my time with all his texting. He makes me smile. I was supposed to go out with him last night, but he got called into work, or had to get up very early for work. Two in the morning? Aww, my sweetie. He could've just texted me to let me know that the plan changed but he came to see me anyways, just for a few minutes. He wanted to see me and kiss me and, of course, to bite my lip. He loves doing that. It's cute.

Now if Buddha would.... Nope, can't go there. He texted me the other night. Some crazy story about lending his phone to the fam. Yeah, whatever. You are job searching, dealing with probation and whatever else you got going on, but you are giving up the cell for a couple weeks? Ok. Funny how that message came within the 48 hour unblocking grace period, according to my estimation of when you would have read it. I wrote that Friday night which meant that the 48 hours ended Sunday night not Monday. Yeah, I checked the log on the blocker app. By the way, if Robster calls it's a favor to me. If you answer yours, I will not answer mine.

The 24 hour happiness has expired. I don't feel bad or sad, just neutral I guess. V, time for a recharge babe. He texts all the time not that I really want or need him to cause he works long hours. But he's such a sweetheart. He told me he loves me. Huh? "It's been a year and you're always so sweet to me. We're friends but it don't take that long to love you. If it takes that long for a man to know he loves you than he doesn't deserve a beautiful woman like you. Valdivia 100%" AMEN BABY!

So the plan is that he's gonna keep me happy for the next two months until I go back to Cali, and when I come back after summer, if I do. I have plans to see Poppa while I'm there and we are gonna hang in Modesto with his sister and her man. Good deal. My time will be occupied and I won't have much of it to dwell on You-Know-Who. I miss you Poppa and can't wait to see you. I gotta text him.

Two weeks til he calls, huh? I'm about to kick that number way up. If he answers that call then he may as well forget it. I got no time for bullshit. If you really wanna play this game Mario, ante up. But I will win.

Seventh Rule of Fight Club: Always take hair from the dog that bit you