You're The Man Buddha!

He loves me! I knew he did. I questioned so many times if my Buddha was real or an illusion. He's real. From the depths of my soul, Mario, thank you.

I woke up early this morning and felt free. I don't know why but it feels like the tie has been severed. He's gone, and for the first time I'm not sure if I'll ever hear from him again.

I thought about him all day yesterday, and it just wore me down. I was almost broken. I am no position to be in a relationship, not mentally anyway. I don't blame my Buddha for that, but I do blame it on life. Financially, not stable. When my car is paid off in two years I will be much.better off. By then I know where I will be permanently.

Which led me to another thought. If I saw Buddha during the summer, what would happen after? We plan to move back to Cali in September, but plans don't always go the way you'd like. I may end up staying here in New Mexico for a while. I may be in Washington with Mama. I wanna be with Mario but I just don't see it right now.

So what would it have been? A summer fling? I sure as hell would not be a booty call.  Could've been much like the first round, and when he split the first time I lost all sense of reality. My spirit was gone, I didn't give a fuck, my daughter saw me in a way she never should have. I was destroyed. Round two, I still remember in detail that pic he texted me. It's been a rollercoaster ever since, but it feels like the ride has finally ended.

Mario, I asked you to contact me within two days; you did. You said you would call or text in another two weeks; you did. I guess all I needed to know is if my Buddha loved me the way I always felt he did. I know what you said; I remember all our conversations. But you didn't have to say this. You proved it.

But you just had to text me "hello" didn't you? You always had me at me hello, and you still do. You're awesome.

I am gonna love you til my dying day. That will never change. You're right, we do great over the phone. I don't know if I could survive in your world; I don't know if you could last in mine. I am so screwed up and I need to fix this. Some days will be good, many I'm sure will suck big time. But you gave me my Buddha back. You are the man, baby.

And for now, I'm free!

Lovin My Peeps

This has been a pretty cool week for me, kind of a this-week-went-by-fast type of week, and the past two weeks seemed to go by even faster. I gotta admit, I thought the days would just drag on by. He's supposedly getting his phone back today, and God knows if he will call or text like he said he would, but still I am stricken with a strange sense of comfort.

Bug went to her first dance Friday night. You know that hit me rather hard- the beginning of the end. And as I worked on her hair (thanks Jo for coming to hook it up), I was envisioning prom night. I have two scenarios:

I'm in the front when her dates raps at the door. In one hand is a large fantasy blade, perhaps a sword, sharp as hell and ready to kill. On the coffee table before me is the remainder of my collection, spread out in an eye widening display. I'm polishing them. They're my pride and joy. I glance at Bug's date with a charming smile and firmly yet gently ask "So, what do you plan to do with my daughter?" It's not a final plan even though I've been tweaking it since the day she was born.

I thought of this one on Friday: Date comes to the door and I boldly exclaim "If you take my daughter's virginity, Bubba will take yours." Bug or her date asks, "Who's Bubba?" And I reply "The big, nasty bastard I will get to fuck you in the ass." Can you say that to a kid? Then again by prom he may be of age, barely. Haven't got Plan #3 yet.

I was scheduled to go to Eric's for dinner Saturday night. I haven't seen him since his wedding, but I still adore that man. He's my boo. Buddha asked me once if I could have anyone, other than him of course, who it would be. Eric. Funny that Buddha agreed had he been gay. Remember that convo Buddha? I didn't go. I'd have to kill Rosa off first then go back to console Eric. Haven't planned that out yet. Instead I stayed back and drank with Chops across the street. Ever BBQ a pizza? It is really freaking good, much better than baked. Don't ask what I drank, just a concoction of God knows what. Bug played with his kids, Joe was there, and when Ja got back from dinner she joined. Chops is off the chain. I so feel for his wife. Twelve years of that? Really? I envy that.

Sunday was quiet. Monday Kira stayed home from school cause my phone croaked. Thanks Ja. We did Michael that night. We used to exercise regularly and it's been a while, but we are getting back into it. Gotta slim down, getting healthy, see how much jiggle we can delete from the wiggle. To make it funner I thought up a challenge. At the end of our workout we will pick one song and do the dance blindfolded. Thriller we all know so yeah that was Monday's. We're gonna work our way up from easiest routine to the hardest. Michael = easy; Black Eyed Peas = medium to hard; Just Dance 2 = uh, yeah.

Yesterday was errand day. Nice going Ja. Didn't remember that the tags on her truck expired three months ago. Perfect way to describe Lovington: I went to the DMV. There were three people ahead of me, the office was the size of a Payless, and I counted a total of 30 chairs. The lady at the counter told me they just relocated. The previous office was one-third that size with 7 chairs. When we say we're in Bumb Fuck Egypt... out in the sticks... middle of nowhere... We mean just that.

My cousin mentioned last night that today is the 10th. It wasn't like I was counting the days, but she knew where my mind was. I couldn't deny it. "You just had to bring that up, huh?" That was my reaction on top of the blank stare I gave her. Was I vibing that hard? Damn.

Don't know if he'll call. Maybe he will; maybe he won't. Could be today; could be another day. A text, a call, or nothing at all. Wow, that line sounded like a Dr. Suess rhyme. And so did that one! Lol. Still, I am strangely comforted. The world continues to spin on its axis, the sun is out for an unpredictable amount of time, and I am smiling.

Today's forecast: Sunny and clear

Assembly Required

I am quite proud of myself. We just came inside, Ja and I. We spent the day zoned out in front of the tv watching Knight Rider and Who The (Bleep) Did I Marry on Netflix. About 5pm we went outside to piece her truck together.

It was a hot mess and I would have a fat stack of cash had I paid myself for everytime I said "This is bullshit." The dash was completely torn apart, all the pieces tossed in the back seat of the F150. Someone tore it apart cause they planned to change the heater core which apparently is unreachable from the engine. Through the dash? Interesting.

There was nothing left. The gauges were hanging on by the wires, and basically it was stripped all the way to the frame. Even the glove box was removed. What idiot in his right mind would take out the glove compartment, passenger air bag unit, stereo, and ac/heat controls amongst all else to change a heater core? The passenger side panels were removed, buy the weather stripping held fast. Obviously the workings of a crack head.

There are too many freaking screws. Ja took to the driver side; I had shotgun. It was like piecing together a puzzle. But we did it. Sure it took some hours, and thank God my dwindled tool supply was adequate enough for the job, but we did it. I felt a small touch of pride in reconnecting the air bag and the ac control units. I clicked the stereo back in place. Ja turned the truck on to check our progress and when the air kicked on I was like "Yeah buddy!"

Assembling an entire dash kind of seemed like a royal pain but honestly it actually wasn't. It was rather fun. I've worked on a car or two in my day so I'm not a complete dummy. If a crack head could take it apart, then two sensible ladies could put it back together. In a few short hours it upgraded from a frame to a truck.

We're done for now. It's cold out, it's dark and we're tired. Bad news: there are still a shit load of screws left. Anywhere we could find a screw hole we filled in with a screw. Ja's bright idea "We can take it apart and do it again." Sure, why not? Not much else to do in good ol Lovington. At least the truck runs and looks like a truck again.

It was good day.

The Year Without An Easter Bunny

I was never too keen on The Year Without A Santa Claus but I love the Meiser Brothers- Heat Meiser and Snow Meiser. Snow Meiser, gay as hell, but that's my man dammit. "I'm Mr. White Christmas... I'm Mr. Snow..." Awesome.

This was a crazy Easter here in Lovington, New Mexico, Land of Enchantment. I say that rather loosely and unforgiving. And, of course it all began on Good Friday. This is the year when Drew almost killed the Easter Bunny.

Good Friday, March 29th 2013: Ja and Jodi got into it. It was their semi-annual arguement. It was not a pretty one. None of them are, but this time my niece packed her belongings and moved out. She lives with her man regardless but at least her room was her room and her stuff was here. It's not the same now. I still call it Jodi's room.

She kept the kids' Easter baskets, candy and toys at Chris' house. Very smart considering Bug has eyes like a hawk and can sniff out anything now matter how good it's hidden. Drew brought it here to the house and I told him to put it up in the closet after he first dropped it in the kitchen. Rocket science, right?

My cousin came over with the boys to color Easter eggs. We started with a dozen and a half which apparently wasn't enough, so as I boiled more eggs, the kids went in Jodi's room to play on the PS3 with Drew. Round two of egg coloring, they left around 11pm, I talked to mom for a while, and finally got Kira and Justin down to bed. At one point I whispered to Drew to get the stuff down from the closet to do the baskets.

One o'clock rolls around, the kids are asleep and I sneak into the room to help get the baskets together. The closet doors are wide open and the bags and wrapping are on the closet floor. As Drew and I worked on the baskets, he tells me that the kids saw the stuff but it was okay because he said it was for the boys. Come to find out, the way the stuff was when I came in the room was the same condition it was in the whole time the kids were in the room, open doors and all. Nice.

Sunday morning Kira and Justin wake up, baskets placed strategically next to them. Not an ounce of excitement, no twinkle in the eye that shouts "The Easter Bunny was here!" Nada. Instead Justin announced that Drew was the Easter Bunny. They saw the stuff in the closet the night before, they even went in the room to check that it was the same stuff from the closet. Never had I ever seen such broken hearts. I tried to take pictures of the kids with their baskets. Justin smiled but it damn near took a threat to get a smile out of Kira, it was like pulling teeth.

They opened the wrapping and dug through the baskets. Justin repeated over and over that Drew was the bunny. It was him. Maybe me, possibly Ja and Jodi too. Bye bye Bunny.

But Kira resurrected him. "Drew's not the Easter Bunny. I saw him. He's big and he's pink and he's coming tonight. We get another basket, huh mom?" Justin tried to debate her story but she stuck to her guns. "That's right, baby." Both grabbed their puzzles and went to piece them together on the kitchen floor. Never had I heard such silence, not a whimper, not a sneeze, not a fart. The silence was deafening. My heart sank. But there was hope. Way to go Bug!

I called Ja. We planned to sneak away to Walmart late that night unbeknownst to unsuspecting eyes. I was already up late the night before from the arguing, that last night to do baskets, and now another. Ever noticed how tired you get when you know you gotta stay up? Any other day of the week an all-nighter is a walk in the park. Thanks Gwen! She was here for Easter to take Justin back to California. She knew I let the kids stay home from church to maximize time with Justin before he left. She called and insisted that Justin attended church. Kira could go if she wanted. Half hour later they left. Thank the Lord!

Differnce between New Mexico and California: New Mexico takes down all Easter stuff the night before Easter... and the toy selection sucks. Anything worth anything I categorized under Christmas, and I was not going there. I ran around for hours, from Hobbs back to Lovington looking for items worthy of an Easter basket. A hundred dollars later, I made it home in time to get the house ready for company. Thanks Bug.

All things considered the day was good. We did an Easter egg hunt, hooked up a good meal, watched some movies and just had quality family time. Jodi even came for a bit. It was a good day. Of course, the tall pink bunny made his guest appearance that night. Bug told me about it the next morning. He left his green reusable Walmart bag here, the one he carried the stuff in with. It's a special bag. Way to go, Bug.

My cousin and I had a discussion. There is a guy (don't recall the name but he knows who he is and maybe you do too) who preaches that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are ways of praising the white man. My cousin works hard to provide for her kids. I understand that. She raised her kids to know that she buys the Easter toys, candy, Christmas presents, all that. Understand that too. Much respect my love.

As far as humanity has come in this country, why do things still continue to be black and white? I believe that faith begins with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Kids know in their hearts that they exist even though they never will see them (present company excluded, right Bug). It's about faith, giving children something to believe in. Santa's a white man... ok. To a child he's a fat guy in a red suit who is hauled around by reindeer. The Tooth Fairy? All I knew was that it is a female who purchases fallen baby teeth. Apparently the Easter Bunny is a pink rabbit. Children don't see black and white. So as a people, why do we continue to drill that whole black and white thing into their heads?

So I thought about it. Jesus really was a black man but His image is accepted in the white form. Now we all agree that Jesus existed, and that during the days of slavery and most likely pre-slavery, blacks were severely looked down upon. So how do you get a white man to accept Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior? Make him white. Rocket science.

I'm black, or of African American descent, whatever suits your taste, so I can say this. "Ya'll, please knock it off. I am half white and have yet to see a white person pointing out to their kids that Santa is white. A black person will point out all that shit. It's past time to overcome."

To all those black extremists... FUCK YOU! You bitches are the most racist mother fuckers on this planet and the primary reason racism still exists. Who gives a sky-diving shit what color the bunny, the fairy and the jolly fat elf are? And leave Jesus alone! I don't recall him saying as he died on the cross "I'm black peeps, pass it on!" The innocence of a child is very powerful so stop destoying it cause you're mad. Children see Mom, Dad, bunny and elf. They don't see skin color until Mom and Dad point it out which you so gracefully bombard Mom and Dad with, unless they are so fortunate as to grow up and discover your bullshit. Get over it. You were not slaves. Your ancestors may have been, but you never were. FYI, slavery was created by the BLACK man. Amen.

I'm broke now, thanks to my dearest and most beloved light of my life. The cost of seeing those big brown eyes light up, the tale of her lastest bunny sighting and the restoration of her faith? Priceless!

Did you like that whole "fuck you" thing? Classic, right? I should be a motivational speaker, lol.

Good Friday -> Bad Saturday

I can't get him out of my head. I'm trying. I gotta clean up, Easter's tomorrow and the house is half in shambles. My body is sore all over but the heartache is worse. I focus on that and the aches and pains disappear; I fight the heartache and the aches and pains return.

I have his picture in my mind. I can see it so clearly. I memorized every line, every curve, every hue of every color. It was the first pic he ever texted me. That was about four phones ago. I still have it. It's on one of my computer discs that I loaded a bunch if pictures on, locked away in my storage unit in Stockton. If I was an artist I could draw it easily down to the last detail. He's thinking about me. I'm almost sure of it.

So far my readings have shown me three types of connections a person has with a loved one: the soulmate, the twin flame, and the soul tie. I'm still researching the soul tie, and although how I feel about Mario is very close to that, the best and most accurate description is the twin flame.

The telepathic connection between twin flames is crazy and beyond all scientific reasoning. You would have to experience it to believe it. He always knew when I was in Hanford and when I left for Stockton, even if he wasn't consciously aware of it. Months will go by and I know when he will call. We can talk forever and I will know when the last time will be that we speak. When I can't get him out of my head, he tells me he was thinking about me during that time. All things weird, true and freaky. I'm still researching...

Hmmm, I can't think right now. I don't know what more to say. The words escape me. The last message, he will call or text on the 10th when he gets his phone back. I don't believe it and yet I feel that he will. I can't think. That picture is branded deep in my mental rolodex and is piercing straight through my eyes. He's thinking about me. Buddha, I'm thinking of you too.

It's not a good day

ADENDUM:

I had a weird experience once, very long time ago. I was laying on my bed watching tv and I blinked, but when my eyes opened I wasn't home. I wasn't even in the same body. I was in a man's. I looked around the room. Each time that I focused on something it seemed to zoom in where I could see detail, almost like Catwoman's vision when she focused on something. I was in a bedroom, the tv was on. I can't remember what I was watching, but I did then. I wrote this all down in a journal I no longer have. I wanna say it was CSI. There was someone on the bed next to me sleeping. I couldn't see who. They were curled in a tight ball, wrapped snuggly in the blanket and sleeping like a baby. I described the room in my journal but I can faintly remember it now. It was quite some time ago.

I asked Buddha to describe his room to me once upon a time. He probably thought I was nuts. It was a week or so after that "dream." He did, all the way to the lighting. He even told me that he imagined me curled up on his bed once. I was there, I know I was. His description and my journal matched perfectly except that my description was a mirror image. It was coincidental enough for me. He even told me about the piece of clothing that was sticking out of one of his dresser drawers. Exactly what I had written.

I thought that over for so long then suddenly it made sense. That person in his bed was me and in that room I would have been facing a mirror. So what I saw and what I wrote was a reflection. I don't think I ever told him why I asked him about his room. But if he reads this he will know.

What made me think about that just know? Oh yeah, the whole telepathic connection thing. Yup, all things weird, true and freaky.

Time to clean.

Clouds

I just got home. I pulled into my parking spot, turned off the engine, gather my things, and opened the door. Before I hopped out the car I saw two birds in the sky above the roof of my house. They didn't flap their wings. They simply glided, soaring high in the air. They were free.

My focus shifted to the space between my house and the one next door. It was the perfect picture. I pulled a cigarette from the pocket of my driver door, lit it and continued to stare into the distance and thought to myself "That describes me perfectly."

It's a beautiful day, the sun is out and the birds are singing. Rarely do I bother to notice. But in that warm sky were clouds I could not take my eyes off of- half of them were crisp and clear, the other half a dull smudge across the heavens. The smudge caught most of my attention.

I jumped from the car, pulled my chair from the back seat, grabbed my phone and made my way between the houses. I had to get a shot of this, maybe show Barbara. This was my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, painted in the sky. I need this picture.

I came inside and reviewed it. Surprise, surprise. Usually my scenery pics don't turn out very well but this one did. Good deal, pat on the back. Maybe it was because I felt this one as opposed to looking at it. I guess that would constitute perception. It's not so much of the eyes as it is of the heart.

I know God is out there somewhere in the distance holding on to my happiness that seems practically unobtainable. He's the sky. For every blessing that I have is a crisp and clear cloud, billowy and bright. The rest makes no sense at all but it's there, smeared across such a wonderful picture.

There are power lines thinly streached across the sky. My power source, that which gets me up each agonizing morning and keeps me going throughout each and every miserable day. Where does that energy come from and what direction is it headed? You can't see it beneath its sheath but you know it's there.

A couple trees are in the bottom corner. Funny I didn't notice them before. But then again I don't tend to stray too far from the front door on a regular basis or for extended periods of time. They looked like blacked out shapes but under better lighting I can see that they are green. My eyes are not the best in this world but then again that could just be my perception.

I went out to see the kids from the bus. Justin's leaving for home in a couple days. Sorry baby. I tried to get mommy to let you stay. So many reasons to stay, only one to return home to. I love you and will see you in a couple of months. By the end of summer? Ok Gwen, take him back! But I saw a new area of sky as I got the kids- a patch that was much cloudier and had more smears than clarity. That's me too. Some days are brighter and sharper than others. On the worst of days those clouds are crammed together. It rains. Other times a swirling vortex forms high above which will eventually funnel to the ground. It causes minimal to maximum damage depending on the severity. I'm not in the mood. Leave me alone.

Feelings change with the weather and many times I wish I could control them. But the weather is uncontrollable to man. It just is what it is on the day that it's on. God can fix this if I let Him. Any suggestions? I'll google it.

Feelings need to be felt within the spirit not seen with the eyes. But I guess one must step outside themselves once in a while to see the clarity behind the smudges. Tornados destroy; man rebuilds. God tests us all. He's the weather. How strong the will is determines our survival. We rebuild, we adapt to survive. I'm just breathing. That's hard enough. It's time to survive.

To my cousin Marie. Girl, thank you for always being there. Thank you for being you and seeing past the.mask I have sculpted to near perfection. Ja, there are no words in Heaven or Earth to express how much I treasure you. Mom, sorry for being a pain in the ass. I love you. Bug, I read once: my father never taught me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it. You are a perfect reflection of him. You are my teacher. I will learn. Mo, Jodi, Drew, I carry you in my soul. I love my family. Family is love. So what the hell am I complaining for? I will learn. Just give me some minutes.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I'm sure I'll forget. Note to self: remember Good Friday and give the hour of silence to remember what Jesus did for me. Catholosism works for me. Give praise to the saints. In time sins will be confessed and when I'm ready I will ask for forgiveness. Someday, hopefully before I croak. I'll learn.

Lesson 2: Forgiveness. Buddha, block is gone. If you every wonder where my mind is, look to the weather for guidance. I will have sunny days, stormy days, and all days in between. Just gotta dress for the occassion. Todays forcast: partly cloudy.

Time to get moving. Time to clean. Keep it together Mish and let those clouds stay where they belong... in the sky. God will take it from there.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost... Amen

V's Theory

"If someone does something that makes them happy for at least 10 minutes every day, that person will stay happy for 24 hours."

He told me this last night, and I have been trying to look that up ever since. Technically speaking, or theoretically, you can google just about everything. I have not found it yet.

V is my best friend here in New Mexico. I met him a year ago, practically to the day, but we maintained a distant friendship. He was always over the road working and as of a couple of weeks ago, he moved here to Lovington. Poor thing. Hey, can't say I didn't warn him.

He reminds me so much of Poppa, my best friend in California. They are similar in so many ways, fun-loving, spirited, down to earth, and just the lights in my life. I also met V the same way I met Poppa- online. He was on a site where I game; Poppa was a dating site but that was never the basis for our friendship. Both men I either texted or called but didn't meet in person. It was almost comforting knowing someone was always there, and most importantly, not a friendship I would compromise.

V knows about Buddha, and as of recent events I was rather upset. He finally convinced me to go hang out for a beer with him last night, and I did. He's hella cool, same as Poppa. It's nice to have good people like that in your circle. He cheered me up. We laughed, drank and just joked around.

Anything else you ask? Hehehe, well, what can I say? I'm me. I'm single so I act single. I may feel like dying most times, but I am not dead yet. He's married to a beautiful lady, but she lives a ways from here. I'm gonna burn for sure.

V tells me it's not about what he has, it's about what he needs. I asked him what he needed and he said "Everyday I need you." Freaking liar, but it sure sounded good sliding off his tongue and flowing from his lips. He's a charmer and it is painfully obvious why any woman would walk the aisle with him. Buddha says an occassional something that hits me just the right way. I call it Tyler Perry Shit. When V says it, it seems genuine and from the heart. Just my luck that he's married.

PART 2:

I started writing this yesterday but V monopolized most of my time with all his texting. He makes me smile. I was supposed to go out with him last night, but he got called into work, or had to get up very early for work. Two in the morning? Aww, my sweetie. He could've just texted me to let me know that the plan changed but he came to see me anyways, just for a few minutes. He wanted to see me and kiss me and, of course, to bite my lip. He loves doing that. It's cute.

Now if Buddha would.... Nope, can't go there. He texted me the other night. Some crazy story about lending his phone to the fam. Yeah, whatever. You are job searching, dealing with probation and whatever else you got going on, but you are giving up the cell for a couple weeks? Ok. Funny how that message came within the 48 hour unblocking grace period, according to my estimation of when you would have read it. I wrote that Friday night which meant that the 48 hours ended Sunday night not Monday. Yeah, I checked the log on the blocker app. By the way, if Robster calls it's a favor to me. If you answer yours, I will not answer mine.

The 24 hour happiness has expired. I don't feel bad or sad, just neutral I guess. V, time for a recharge babe. He texts all the time not that I really want or need him to cause he works long hours. But he's such a sweetheart. He told me he loves me. Huh? "It's been a year and you're always so sweet to me. We're friends but it don't take that long to love you. If it takes that long for a man to know he loves you than he doesn't deserve a beautiful woman like you. Valdivia 100%" AMEN BABY!

So the plan is that he's gonna keep me happy for the next two months until I go back to Cali, and when I come back after summer, if I do. I have plans to see Poppa while I'm there and we are gonna hang in Modesto with his sister and her man. Good deal. My time will be occupied and I won't have much of it to dwell on You-Know-Who. I miss you Poppa and can't wait to see you. I gotta text him.

Two weeks til he calls, huh? I'm about to kick that number way up. If he answers that call then he may as well forget it. I got no time for bullshit. If you really wanna play this game Mario, ante up. But I will win.

Seventh Rule of Fight Club: Always take hair from the dog that bit you

My Little Cadets

A stray dog came into the house a few hours ago, or maybe the kids let it in. Leave it to those munchkins, in and out, in and out. He was cute in his own way I guess, but there was something about those big blue eyes that seem to pop straight out of his head.

It was a bulldog pup, black with a white head down to his neck. He was friendly, really liked kids. I was in the bathroom while he explored room after room but as soon as I came out he jumped all over me, nudged and nibbled at my hands. Definately a puppy. But he was a bit bigger than my dog. Princess is a mini pinscher.

I had the kids put him outside. He definately belonged to someone, hopefully knew his way home. He disn't have a collar and none of the neighbor kids recognized that dog. I thought it belonged to one of the neighbors who have very similar looking dogs but her boys were outside and said it wasn't theirs.

The dog tried to go in Chops' house. Chops is one of Ja's coworkers, and his son scooted the dog out with his foot. Of course Mr and Mrs Drama King and Queen ran in to tell me that Lane kicked it in the eye. I got mad. My dog is missing her right eye, I gave up my pit cause one of the kids hurt her which started a problem, and I watched too much Animal Cops back in the day. So I decided to have a chit chat with his mommy. She told me the real happenings but still my heart sank. So I told all the kids that if they saw the dog again to bring it to me, which they did a short time later.

In his own way he was cute, definately friendly and playful. I don't think he cared for the kennel too much but Bug said he liked to pee. So that was his accomodation while I called the P.D. since animal control wasn't open. He was a good boy, a bit rambunctious but then again so are the kids. It was best, he was lost and I would've felt worse if he got hurt or if he hurt the kids.

A cop came almost an hour later to pick him up. By then he had stopped yapping in the cage. It wasn't constant, just an occassional "Lemme outta here." Whatever it was every yelp broke my heart. Justin helped the officer get him out of the kennel and put the leash around his neck. All the kids said their goodbyes and waved as he was getting loaded into the rear of the patrol car.

The cop gave them all sticker badges- Kira, Justin, Tommy, Ricky, Haley and Lane. They were happy. "We're police helpers!" they kept shouting. The cop smiled. I thought it was too cute.

When the cop left the kids went back to their work which was disassembling a once motorized car. It was some car the kids found behind the house. No one knew who it belonged to. A couple if kids got hurt playing in it, so one of the parents scheduled it for destruction. Well, hauling it to the dump anyway. I should've taken a picture of Bug with my screwdriver in hand taking the car apart piece by piece. All the kids were, taking a piece and running around with it like Tonka Trophies. The little police cadets turned Hasbro mechanics. It was too cute.

A Dedication

You Just Don't Wanna Know by Marvin Winans

One of my favorite songs, touching and inspiring. Buddha, this is for you:

I hurt so many nights

Cried so many hours

Trying to make it right

Just didn't have the power

You ignored all my tears

In hopes they'd disappear

I tried to let it show

But I guess you just don't wanna know

I came to you in love

I came to you in ernest

Could you possibly explain

Why the flames, why the furnace

Just needed to get it clear

I was hoping that you would hear

I tried to let it go

But I guess you just don't wanna know

Now it's true that God is always there

He said He'd never leave

But at times a human touch is what I need

And if I had a dime for every time

I tried to call you name

Something tells me I'd be wealthy

But I  learned that I can cope

Yes I did

I discovered I can make it

In nights so long and cold

So cold, you don't know how cold

I learned that I can take it

No I wouldn't change a thing

Not for the knowledge that I gained

I learned that I can grow

I really did

I tried to let it show

I did

I tried to let it go

But I guess you just don't wanna know

Love Sucks!

Love- an ancient something-or-other that died off with the Mayans, recreated by Hollywood and sculpted for the silver screen. Nowadays, it is nowhere to be found. So why exactly do I continue to believe that I will find it? It's stupid, nothing more than a hopeless pursuit that has gotten me nowhere but on the road to disappointment and heartache. My mother used to tell us (and will occassionally remind us), "Don't fall in love with no man. It will cause you trouble and pain." Children learn by example and by experience. I'm listening now, Ma!

King Kong is on. I love that movie. It's a classic right up there with Jaws and The Color Purple. You know, King Kong was a dumbass, a big stupid gorilla that falls in love with some chick who doesn't want him back. She shows a couple of times that she somewhat gives a damn. First time on the ship on their way to America when he's throwing a big old fit in the oil tank and in the end when he croaks. Other than that, she runs from him. But he pursues, never giving up, and in the end gets shot down. It was an impossible match anyways, but still a love story (bet you didn't know that, huh?). So instead of being just a simple dumbass big stupid gorilla, he upgrades to a dead dumbass big stupid gorilla.

Yup, that's me. I'm the dumbass and Buddha is the blonde bitch I continue to chase. Makes no sense. Maybe I'm obsessed. It's time to let go. My heart hurts. I'm tired of hurting.

You ever noticed how love songs just don't hit you right in the heart anymore? But all those heartbreaking, my-soul-is-in-pain ones do. I Miss You by Aaron Hall, It Hurts Like Hell by Aretha Franklin, So Sick by Neo,  There'll Be Sad Songs by Billy Ocean, the list goes on. I could name a million that would just target you right in the chest, direct hit, bullseye. And with every sad love song comes another to empower and reenergize you: Bitch I'm Me by Brisco, Now I'm That Bitch by Livvi, No Scrubs by TLC. There's a whole new list for you there. So really, what happened to the days of Luther Vandross, The Isley Brothers, James Ingrahm, Peabo Bryson?

If I could describe my dream relationship it would definately be Goose and Carol. Yeah, Top Gun was amongst today's entertainment. They are just the most promising and enjoyable couple, up until Goose bites it of course. But in a way that describes me too- happy one minute and the next it's gone. Things that make you go hmmm. Who sang that? Forgot.

I blocked his number, not that it would really matter cause he most likely won't call anyways. If he cares he will.but I highly doubt it. That's why love is an illusion. Your head gets clouded with hope and faith and in the end that's all you're really holding on to. Letting go is the hard part cause all you have to look forward to is a whole lotta nothing. Sometimes it's hard to decide what's worse, holding on to a lie or moving on with the truth. The story of my life, they both suck.

Buddha, Mario, whoever the fuck I'm dealing with right now, here's my problem: we have been through so much together and yet we have been through nothing together. You come, you go. I'm happy, I'm sad. It's a vicious cycle. We are both two severely damaged souls, we both are the causes of own own demise, and we both set ourselves up for failure. I'm scared taking another shot at this cause deep down I know you'll fade away and disappear. Newton's Law: for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. I think that was Newton. Whatever. Bottom line, I can feel you. I know when you will pop up just as I can feel when you're slipping away. And it drives me insane when you leave so I react in a not so sensible manner.

If you're going to be in my life, make the effort to stay there. If you have no intention on sticking around or if you plan to hide me from your kids as you have done, then by all means just go. It hurts when I don't hear your voice, it hurts knowing I may never be with you, it hurts knowing that I may never see or speak to you again. But what's worse? This lie or admitting the truth?

I could be disillusioned, it could be the product of negative thinking, or maybe it really is true. My head is screwed up and I need time to think, or maybe I need to learn to let go. I don't have any fight left in me and I won't beg. If you are trying to protect me from your life than you, to the highest degree, underestimate me. Maybe you undervalue me? Maybe I'm the only one you feel honestly give a fuck and you need to hold onto that to keep you going. The chair perhaps? How would that look with me rolling in to meet the fam? I don't know what to think and how to feel where you're concerned.

I will send you one last text, the link to find this message. And I will unblock your number for 48 hours. If you want me, if you wanna make this work, call. A simple text will do. But if you don't or if you're not sure or not ready, then let me be, and I ask that we never speak again. I cannot endure this anymore.

Know that I will always love you but I cannot be your puppet. After five years I think I deserve the truth and not to be your dirty little secret where we go off in the night and as you call it "fuck like rabbits." I want someone to love who will love me back, and if you are incapable of that than make way for someone else. I know you have problems, I understand your trials, but love endures all. If you will not let me be there for you than I need to be without you.

I realize that this whole thing is screwy and probably unneccesary. Over a phone call, the one you said you would make tomorrow which by now was three or four days ago. And it's not so much that you didn't, it's that you haven't acknowledged it. A text saying you were tired or even a good morning one would have sufficed. But it's that bitter silence that eats through me like acid. I never needed to be the top priority in your life, but one of them would be cool. I don't have to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up, but it would be nice to be the last. The smallest of gestures usually mean the most.

I feel that I could be happy with you too. You said you don't wanna hurt me. So don't.

Sixth Rule of Fight Club: Never look back

Life Is But A... Movie?

I think too much. Sometimes I really wish my head would just shut up, you know. Or maybe I watch too many movies. That must be it, considering I correlate different aspects of my life to a given film, not to mention I quote one too many movies.

I'm thinking about Buddha, crossed with that episode I had a few days ago. I don't know what else to call it. Definately not a dream or a premonition. I looked back on my blogs and it's funny how the post before "that one" happened to come directly after my haunted one. God was listening.

Then it got me thinking, there is a reason it didn't work between me and Buddha (I know, that was in left field, right?). I do that a lot but you'll get used to it.

Enter Anakin Skywalker. He's not necessarily innocent but there is something so pure and endearing about him. You can relate to him in every way. You know where's he is, where he's been, and all you wanna do is give him a much better life. He captures you heart instantly. That's Buddha, when we first met of course. Just like little Anakin, he had me at "Hello."

Anakin's grown and training to become a Jedi. He meets a girl, falls in love and all the while war is breaking out around him. In this particular version of Star Wars, I'm Padme, except I didn't bear his kids. The Emperor did.

Sorry Buddha but I really have no love for that woman. I'm sure at some much earlier point in time you saw the Senator Palpatine that may have had a shred of good in him, and maybe that's how you two paired up. So you guys produced your army of Storm Troopers and you lived happily ever after on the Death Star, but I am not judging (yeah, that's a joke, haha).  I'm simply saying that I don't like her.

So Anakin and Padme, although their union was hidden for specific reasons, had this magical bond of love between them. The world was in chaos and as Anakin tried to stick to his beliefs and keep his head above water, Padme was lost to him and he was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. (That's actually how it happened between Buddha and I).

Darth Vader, one badass sith who once was good but is now all kinds of wrong. But that's now he was introduced. He was Vader first. He was the bad guy you loved to hate. And he had an awesome black suit that amazed you. He was a bastard. Go Luke! This is how I met Mario. I didn't like him, and I rebelled.

My heart was shattered in millions of pieces. I cried more times than I could count. I loved him. How could he choose to get back with that thing over me? I understood. He had kids. She was trying to destroy him and he had to be there to stop his castle from burning to the grounds. One week before my 37th birthday....

Ja went to see him seven months later. I sent her there. The love of a sister is amazing. She called me and as I sat silent on the other line, she tucked her cell in her pocket and proceeded to see him. Tears fell as his voice rung through my ears. God I missed him. Love is unconditional. The call dropped and I was crushed. I wanted desperately to call her back but he would know. I waited for her call, to hear the story of what my lost love had to say. After an agonizing several minutes a text came through. His phone, his picture.

I think I was more overwhelmed than anything. My Buddha returned. He wanted to explain but I couldn't hear it. One day I finally did. It hurt. I snapped. Again he was gone. How To Lose A Guy In Seven Days.

Several months later in late summer or fall I saw his youngest son on MySpace. I don't remember how I came across it, but I eventually sent a note to him for his dad. He wrote back, not his son, but him, along with a friend request. Again I was happy.

Another year had passed until I would last see him. I begged Robster too many times to talk to him for me. It finally worked and he called. I didn't recognize his voice right away but he told me "It's your Buddha." I saw him that night, made the 2 1/2 hour trip just to see him. Well, I was going anyway to my aunt's, but now I had a greater purpose. Two years and I finally have my Buddha back.

But it wasn't him. It wasn't his smile, not his voice, not his laugh, not his words. Nothing about him said Buddha. It was Mario. That was the last time I ever saw him. Buddha was gone.

"Vader betrayed and murdered your father... So what I said was true, from a certain point of view." Way to go Obi Wan. That's how I felt about Mario. He killed my Buddha. Move on. And I did.

Forward through both trilogies, all six movies have been done, the story is told. Vader was not exactly universally loved during the first set of films although he did redeem himself in the end; the second set, you really inderstood who he was, you have a much better perspective, and you realize that he was not quite the bastard you first thought he was. It made sense. He was just caught up in bullshit.

I think it was Mario I talked to last November. I'm sure it was. And I know I said some things that were not right. It was just remnants from the loss of my Buddha. Yet I think that's the person I'm getting to know now. Loving my Buddha means loving Mario too. Buddha told once that he makes a better best friend than he does a boyfriend. I never believed that, even when Mario emerged.

Once upon a time I researched the true meaning of a soulmate. It's stated that a person will have many soulmates and I do- definately my daughter, my sisters, my mom and dad, my aunt, my nieces and nephews, Mama Kim, and I could name several more. I also read that there is only one twin flame, the other half of your soul that had been ripped away before descending to Earth. One half will fairly be in peace while the other is in chaos. This is the one you were meant for. It may take one or many lifetimes before the two come together, only then can they truly love and live in God's Glory. I wonder.

I'm not sad anymore, at least not now in this moment. I worry that he'll disappear again but at the same time I'm not worried. What does that mean? I have faith that it will work this time but I feel like it will take a drastic nose-dive into the big blue like the Titanic. Time will reveal (DeBarge, love that song).

And so it goes, like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days Of Our Lives.

A Drop of Heaven

I woke up yesterday, but it wasn't where I had originally laid down. I was somewhere not of a place or time, but somewhere. It was peaceful there, warm and inviting. I was home.

An angel stood before me. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He didn't have wings or a halo. Jesus, the Lord and Savior himself? I don't know. There are two depictions of Jesus Christ- the first is the image that everyone has come to know and identify with so well, and the other is Him as a black man which is rarely seen. If those two images were combined in into a celestial bliss, that was Him. I call him my Angel.

He extended His hand to me and I didn't hesitate to accept, and he slowly lifted me to a standing position. I stood but there was no ground. Where were my legs? I knew I never had any. But I stood. The wheelchair that I had stood up from faded into the darkness behind me. The tunnel? It was very dark, cold, distant, a place I wouldn't want to go. I could stand.

Beyond this angel and all around was a brilliant light, rays shining in all directions. It was brighter than any sunny morning and much warmer. But my eyes held true without so much as a wince. Within the rays was a span of clouds arched around me in a single line. There were sounds coming from those clouds, many as if they were floods of voices of a crowded restaurant. They weren't clouds. They were people, dozens if not hundreds of them. I knew them all. I was related to some of them if not many or all of them. Beside me and just behind my right shoulder was a presence I knew all too well. My dad.

I didn't blink nor did I look around. I stood eye to eye with my Angel yet I was aware of everything around me. I spoke but my mouth did not move. "Did you finally come to take me?" I asked. My Angel smiled and in my father's voice I heard "No."

The Angel reached His other hand forward, He never let go of the one He had. I settled my hand in His and at that moment every ailment and every pain I had ever endured seemed to melt away as if flushing down a drain. I threw my head back and with a great sigh of relief I thought "Ahh, that it so much better."

I could think? That didn't seem right. Not for a dream anyway. Out of body experience? But where was I? This was definately not a place on Earth. Premonition? No, that would be an image of future events that was without conscience thought.

I tried to reason it out. Ok, I'm sleeping. I'm at home in Lovington, my body is over there. Where is my body by the way (I had just noticed I was not in it). It has to be morning, maybe mid-morning. The kids have to be up. Do they know I'm dead? Am I dead? Again the voice answered, the voice I have loved and missed so dearly replied, "You're going back."

I thought, "I'm in Heaven. But if this was Heaven shouldn't there be grass and a sky?" I must be the only blonde African American in Heaven. But as that thought crossed my mind my peripheral caught sight of tall grass with daisies. I thought, "Too tall. Looks like it needs to be mowed." (I guess even in Heaven ramdom thinking is a common language.) The grass shortened, a sky appeared. Daisies and dandelions sprung from the ground. Mountains, the mossy greens ones that I think are so pretty. A stream. Birds. I was painting this calm and serene picture and as I did it seemed to materialize before me. Sunsets. I love sunsets. Heaven is the only place where you can see a mid-morning sunset. The sky was sprayed with pastel splashes of blue, violet, orange, and peach. It was magestic.

And still my focus was my Angel. My eyes never left His and all I could do was smile. It was a happiness so grand that it seemed tangible. His eyes sparkled. A twinkle came into them as if Vega appeared in them itself (my favorite star, magnificent sight through a telescope).

The clouds began to take shape but yet lacked a true form. Everything did. Everything was its own contradiction. Shape without form, color without hue. Nothing made sense yet everything made sense. It was beautiful. Not the kind of beaitiful that would describe a newborn or a cosmopolitan model. This was beauty personified. The clouds... My relatives from the days of yore. My dad, my grandma, grandpa, Scruffy! Tabitha! Sam! My animals were there too. Is this Heaven?

My Angel changed, He became clearer and  sharper. But it wasn't Him. My eyes changed. I didn't need glasses no more. No pain. I was in Peace.

Kira needs me. Random thoughts occur at any time. But I wanted to stay. I wasn't afraid. I was engulfed in Joy, surrounded by Love.

Am I breathing? I tried to focus on my pulse but instead a light wind swirled within my spirit. The voices grew louder but yet they sounded like Music. Random thought, "I gotta tell mom." And at that moment a name came to me. Shlazowsky? Skazowsky? I knew it then but can't for the life of me say it now, much less spell it. Life. How ironic.

The smell. I had to remember the smell. Very sweet. Warm. Cookies. Sugar cookies, warm scented as if baking in the oven. Chocolate, very light scent. But I'm allergic to chocolate. Even the smell will induce a reaction. But I wasn't sick. No pain. Flowers. I know these flowers. Not roses. Carnations. I love carnations. The angelic recipe as mixed by Heaven itself, from greatest to least according to my newly heightened sense of smell- baking sugar cookies, carnations, chocolate Hershey's kisses. Perfect, like coming home to a hot apple pie... A la mode.

The scene began to fade. The voices became increasingly distant. My Angel sat me back into my chair and I moved backward, back into the darkness I so dreaded. Bye, Daddy. I love you. My Angel, you are so beautiful. My family, thank you for being there and giving me something to look forward to. I'm not afraid. Not anymore.

I woke up in the great town of Lovington. I ached everywhere, from every bone to every muscle and everywhere in between. My head hurt, my throat hurt. My hands are killing me. Still congested, gotta take my blood pressre pill. My anxiety is up. The kids didn't eat yet. It's 10:30, I gotta get up. Can't move too quickly. I'm nausiated. I can do it.  Wherever I was I longed to go back there. But instead I woke up... And cried.

Dream Warrior

"In the name of Lowreck, Prince of Elves, demon be gone!" I wish it were that easy- a simple spell and all this will go away.

I am going through the atonement, dragging my cross to my final resting place. It is a long, painstaking jouney. I'm tired, I have no fight left in me. My faith is dragging along like the crucifix I'm lugging behind me. I feel beaten and spit on. Just get there already. Heaven can wait; I can't. Eternal bliss? What's that? Happiness is foreign to me, written in a language it seems I will never understand. Depression kills.

I must be cursed, haunted by a demonic spirit. No one should feel this bad for this long. The dark cloud lingers over. It's too heavy, it's cold, it drains me. Silver lining? Nope, haven't seen it. Probably went that way, second star to the left and on til morning.

No word from Kitty, not a peep. I don't care. I must be the booty call. Call someone else, dude. I'm done. I may have been caught up for a minute, but that time has passed. I don't love you. I cared, but that time has passed too. Refer to the Third Rule of Fight Club.

Buddha is my haunting spirit, the demon that dwells within and all around. Demons are described in three ways according to Paul Dale Roberts who wrote of the six types of hauntings:

1. As being angelic, a being of beauty that will manipulate the person to commit something that is sinful or out of the ordinary (Check)

2. Horrific, evil-looking (Check. Sorry Buddha, I hate that pic- the demon pic, you know that one with the horns? Yeah, give me a minute and I'll rip them right outta your skull)

3. Black mist, black fog, black shadow, black smoke. Most demonic hauntings, occupants claim to be followed by black mist or black fog (Well I'd call that a no-brainer)

According to wikiHow there 15 steps to exorcising a demonic spirit:

1. Get connected to the Holy Spirit (Maybe I can google how to do that)

2. Humble yourself (CHECK!)

3. If you have never been baptized by your own personal choice (not as a baby), get baptized fully immersed in water in God's name as a public declaration in front of others (Uh, I gotta work on that)

4. Love others (refer back to the Forth Rule of Fight Club)

5. If you have the power of the Spirit of God living in you, and you know His Word, you are ready to proceed (I'm screwed)

6. Command the demon to be silent in the name of Jesus (I love you, Buddha)

7. If you are not sure that you do have the power of the Spirit living in you (Check), then instead of commanding the demons directly, it is much safer to ask Jesus to command the spirit to be silent, or leave (That should've been Part 2 of Step 5)

8. Using the demon's name(s) command him to leave the victim (by name) in the name of Jesus! (What if I really am my own worst enemy? Is there a protocol for that?)

Now for a brief intermission....

I went outside for a smoke. Damn, I seriously need to quit that habit. When your only pleasure in life is lighting up to a mentholated cancer stick filled with arsenic and nicotine, that's a problem.

A lady bug landed next to the front left tire of my chair. I stopped and stared at it and I thought "God is with me. He's listening." It flew away almost as fast as it came. I looked up and a butterfly flew over my head, rather close enogh that I would normally dodge it from touching me. I didn't move, and like the lady bug, it flew away as fast as it had come.

Lord... Dude, can you please give me a moment to wallow in my self-pity? Por favor. I would really appreciate it. Muchas gracias, in the name of the Son, the Ghost and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Where was I? Ah, yes...

9. Don't do this alone (How ironic, hence the lady bug and the butterfly, right?)

10. Begin to worship God (That should've been Step 1)

11. Boldly an out loud, lay you hands on everything that you wish to be sanctified and pray over those things (My heart, the demon picture, or both?)

12. If it seems that the demon came back or never left don't be fooled. (Elaborate) It is another demon trying to get you to doubt Jesus and be afraid (Check)

13. Be aware that if the person being freed does not give their life to Jesus, the evil spirits can return and bring their friends (That explains everything)

14. There are many entry points that give demons legal rights to enter or re-enter you (Elaborate please) False pride/arrogance, sex outside marriage, childhood sexual victimization, materialism, violence, violent martial arts, anger, theft, murder, abortion, addictions, lust, pornography, unholy entertainment, mysticism, channeling, Ouija boards, fortune telling, praying to nature or idols, horoscopes, psychics, seances, oaths, unrighteous words, self-hatred, judgement of others, greed, slander, resentment, sloth and unrighteous soul ties from ancestors. All of these can be washed clean with prayer (Let's see... One... Two... Three... Damn, 25! The childhood sexual victimization doesn't require forgiveness but I kinda figured that)

15. Remember that Jesus resisted the devil three times with the Word of God in Matthew 4:4, 7, 10

And so it is, the 15 Steps to Performing A Christian Exorcism as explained by wikiHow. Did I mention I'm Catholic?

My next Bing searches as powered by Google: how to remove a curse, love spells to capture his heart forever, how to be happy, curing depression, and what does a blinking yellow light mean on an 83 inch flat screen tv.

Fifth Rule of Fight Club: Nothing is what it seems

(Eh hem) loving-TON

"Death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place to long." Whoever wrote the script for Mermaids obviously had Lovington in mind. This place is deader than dead, a cemetary for the greedy workaholics, zombied out in the abyss of oil fields. There's no life here, not like California. Lovington is death.

My sister told me there are no seasons here. Dirt and cows. She texted me a picture once while she was on the road- an ocean of dirt with a cow crossing the road. Why did the cow cross the road? Cause the chicken was smart enough not to be here dammit.

Well, that's not entirely accurate. There is a KFC here. Ja went there once, just once, and told me there was a chicken head in the mix and a feather I believe. I forget where she said she ate (it was take-out, of course), but she was somewhere where there were chickens clucking around the yard. Yeah I can see how that could be rather disturbing. I haven't been there. We get KFC from Hobbs.

Hobbs, there's another winner for you. Southeast New Mexico is not the place to be. Sounds like a Stephen King movie. Didn't he write In The Mouth of Madness? Not sure. Hobbs End- sounds accurate enough.

It's actually much better than Lovington. There's a decent movie theater, JC Penny's, some form of mall, a bowling alley, and any place that has a Walmart is alright in my books. But I've heard it's gangster town. I haven't seen any gang activity, much less heard of any, but nonetheless I'm not there long enough to find out. I stick to the cemetary. It's dead here.

I did visit the Inn...twice. The first time my sis and I went with our neighbor to watch him karaoke. He worked there. I think I counted more fingers on one hand than there were in the bar. Just sad. The DJ, Tone Deaf, sang too. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, tears soaked my shirt. You have not lived til you've heard the Southeast New Mexico, country ass, monotoned sung version of Henry the VIIIth I Am. It was a Wednesday. Just sad.

But I did go back. My 40th birthday was that Saturday. I didn't want a cake, I didn't even want to know that day was glaring me in the eyes. I was staring down the barrel of old age. More greys? Nah, I'm cool. Drink it off Mish.

It's boring, I'm in the inertia of my life and it's going nowhere. Stuck in limbo, caught up in the Land of Entrapment, as dead as this town. Lovington is death.

So I write, not about anything specific, just passing time sprouting new and improved grey hairs and wondering what tomorrow will bring. Ok, I can't lie. I know what tomorrow will bring... Absolutely nothing. But I don't know what the weather will be like. Something to look forward to. Ha!

Ja said there were no seasons here. Summer, winter, spring and fall don't exist. Randomness, that can always be counted on. In a three day period it was sunny, cloudy, high wind, dust storm, foggy (blowing, breezy fog at that), rainy and snowy. And that about sums up that weather report. Random.

On the drive back here from California my nephew and I stopped by this rest area, slash tour information some such crap. They had a visitor's guide of the attractions and tourist places to visit. It was categorized in relation to the northeast, northwest, southeast and southwest corners of New Mexico. You guessed it. I looked for Lovington. Brief sentence, something about coming by on a certain day of the year to see the cowboy culture and what not. Uh... Where? I've been here a year and have seen no such thing. I think there was a rodeo. I missed it. Maybe that's what they were talking about. Just sad.

I went to the fairgrounds for Cindo de Mayo. Ja and I went. Our neighbor Becky told us it was going on over there. We went, dressed up and ready for some form of entertainment. Lovington sucks, it's dead. But having it going on? We were there.

Red flag #1: Any fairground parking lot where you can see the only golden arches overlooking the area like a lion to his pride and kindom is probably not good.

Red flag #2: There are more cars at the Walmart parking lot in Hobbs on any given day than there were in the parking lot that night.

Red flag #3: People were leaving.

Red flag #4: Not a soul near the gates.

We sat in the parking lot in the truck for an extended period of time, eating McDonald's and hesistant to exit the vessel. Becky had Bug with her. Dammit. We went in. There was nothing. The deeper in we went, the sadder it got. The music from beyond finally caught our ears. Mexican country what?

In the back was an open area. Some people were dancing. There was a band. We didn't see Becky and the kids (not that we really looked). We left. Between entering the gates and leaving them was no more than two minutes, and that's being generous. Just sad.

We did hit the street fair. Downtown, a band from the 70's was there. We knew one song, forgot the band, forgot the name of the song. Just sad. We went to sell lighted ballons and showlaces. Did pretty good. The highlight of that event was counting the cash we made. Just sad.

If you're ever in New Mexico come down and visit Lovington where you can experience real cowboy culture. You'd be better off watching Young Guns or The Magnificent Seven, but what the hell, you're in the area! Come relax and enjoy the silence of the only ghost town with a pulse. Go Wildcats!

Lovington is death.

God has a sick sense of humor

What a turn of events!

I was reading over my last post. I write kinda good. I was rather impressed. I've always wanted to be a novelist- the writer extraordinaire. I wrote a book once, Ja and I did. Well, Ja did a couple of pages but she helped me think up a lot of it. A Taste of Everything- romance novel by Mish and Ja. We tried to get it published but the publishing company was triffling apparently. Not legit. That's life.

It's been a few days. I still haven't heard from Kitty. A heavy dust warning came in, I texted him to be safe driving, he replied "K." Now that's communication gone wild.

But that's not where my mind was....

Today is Tuesday. I texted Kitty Sunday night saying "Nite nite miss u." First time that he never responded. But he had his kids. I'm sure he was busy, maybe in the shower, possibly fell asleep. I went to bed and asked God to give me a sign if Kitty was the one. Nothing fancy or extravagent. I went to bed thinking I would have a missed call or message. I was right...

...But it wasn't from him.

Who in the world would call me at 2 in the morning? According to the text it was 2:19 am. "Sorry to call so late." I had a clue, yet it had been months since I last heard from him. Couldn't be. Much less would he leave a text after the missed call.

I saw it when I woke to get the kids up for school. The usual "Who's this?" But it was too early so a few hours later I texted again "Hello?"

U want what? Naked pics? Who the hell was this? I didn't recognize the number. Call me Daddy followed by what my name is? Mama. Dude wanted to play that game. I can play too. Come with it.

Freaking Buddha, man. Ready to have me drive to Cali to hurt someone. I knew it was him as much as my head tried to deny it. Was this the sign I so requested from God? Next time I'll be more specific. God tends to have a sick sense of humor when you ask something so vague from Him. I meant is KITTY the one I was meant to be with. Maybe the answer would have been the same. If anything, God is consistent.

It took me two years to get over Buddha; another two of a peaceful life without him. I found him on Facebook back in November. Just looking. Had been dreaming about him but in my dreams I didn't know it was him. Strange. He has this pic on his profile- a Halloween pic- that just drives me up the wall. He sent it to me during this goofy who-is-this convo. Anyways...

Instead of leaving his page I clicked Request Friend. Oops. But he doesn't do the computer thing so no big deal. Undo and all's well with the world. Less than a minute, he accepted. Nice.

Took a few hours. Say hi? Thanks for the add? What's up? Delete friend? Short message. Hope all is well and yada yada, something like that. He gave me his number. I gave him mine. He called.

That lasted a couple of months. I knew he'd disappear eventually, change his number, the usual. Last time we talked, few days after New Year's, he said he was moving with some girl. Don't call or text. No prob.

We had a heart-to-heart last night. I wanted or rather needed to know why he does this- gets in contact with me than runs off. What do you want, dude? But I had been thinking of him for days now, just out of nowhere. Didn't have quite the conversation I rehearsed for.

"I think I could be happy with you." A tear fell. I knew I felt the same. Couldn't deny it to myself anymore. We talked about taking it slow this time, see if it'll work. I'm ready. I need love and he is the only man I have ever truly loved. I'm scared he'll disappear. Confusion's a bitch, ain't it?

What about Kitty? Still no word, not even a good morning. He'll call, probably when he's horny. It must just be a sex thing so that's just how I'm gonna treat it.

I love you, Buddha. I always have. But I gotta be neutral about this. If you go, fly out. If you stay, I will always treasure you. Got a few more months til I'm in the area. I plan to kick it with Kitty again. Got needs too. But as you so lovingly stated, I won't put all my eggs in one basket (my cousin said the same words when I told her. Freaky). My heart is with you, my body with him, and world continues to spin. Que sera sera...

Forth Rule of Fight Club: Love no one!

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, M.L.

I should become a drag queen, but I think I have to be male to do that. Good movie by the way (I'm a big movie buff but you will soon learn that). Had I followed the "3 steps to utter fabulousness" sooner, I'd be cured by now.

Depression is a killer. You don't wanna do shit, got no energy, and life in general just sucks. You dwell on the negative and can't find any positive around. So much for the silver lining. Even on the sunniest of days it always seems to rain.

Step 1 to becoming a queen: Think good thoughts for your sword and shield

Such a tude, good Lord! I finally verified it last night. Ja has got it in for me right now, for a few days now actually. I thought she was giving me space cause of my sinus infection but nope, the tude is in effect. And for what? How did I all of a sudden become the designated asshole in this scenario? I told Drew I noticed it. He said yeah and something about the counseling section. Wow... And once again, new chapter.

So when shit sits heavy in your heart it tends to keep you in a stink. I could blame it on New Mexico- the Land of Entrapment, come on vacation leave on probation. There was another but I forget what it is. It's horrible here. At least compared to California it is. Lovington? What kind of name is that for a hole in the wall town? Nothing loving about it. I call it Ton.

I'm in a stink but surprisingly not as bad as I would normally get. Depression's a killer. I hate being where I don't feel wanted. Funny, I always find myself where I'm needed but never where I'm wanted. Mama wants me. I miss you girl.

So I was down to feeling worthless again, useless and without reason or purpose. I don't work, can't work- not with being sick all the damn time. I'm broke, on social security. What good am I? What would Kitty want with someone like me? My credit is jacked. Thanks Lexi (I loved that car). Wheelchair, fat, just useless. But I'm not that upset. Not like I should be. Progress...

Step 2 to Utter Fabulousness: Ignore adversity

Love- now there's a reason. I could be a wife. Sure I would marry him. Well, I wouldn't due to the credit factor, but I could be a live-in girlfriend. I would be the one to love him, the one who would greet him every night after work with a hug, a kiss and a smile. I would miss him when he's gone and text cute little messages to him. Maybe some pics to show him how much I miss him. Yeah, be the lady in the street and his dirty whore in the sheets. I would get up to pack his lunch for the day and have dinner ready when he got home. Laundry done, shopping done, clean the house. I won't be mommy to his kids. They have one. But I can be Auntie Misha. I've earned that title time and again. I would make love to him whenever and however he wanted. I'd never complain or nag. What for? I'd have love. And love is motivation.

I try to clean up here. I do but it's more effort than I have. I don't know what everyone wants to eat here. I do laundry. It gets put away on everyone else's time. The kids mess up more than I clean up. Don't have the strength. Depression kills. Ja needs Robster. She deserves to be happy.

Indeed Step 3: Abide by the rules of love

Love is motivation. Love is happiness. I never had it. I need it.

Third Rule of Fight Club: Fuck 'em and fuck 'em

I Need Love

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall

And in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call

Telling me I need a [guy] who's as sweet as a dove

For the first time in my life I see I need love

There I was giggling about the games

That I had played with many hearts and I'm not saying no names

Then a thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn

Cause I said to myself look what you've done to [him]

I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels

All I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal

Playing make believe, pretending that I'm true

Holding in my laugh as I say that I love you

Saying amor, kissing you on the ear

Whispering I love you and I'll always be here

Although I often reminisce I can't believe that I found

A desire for true love floating around

Inside my soul because my soul is cold

One half of me deserves to be this way til I'm old

But the other half needs affection and joy

Ans the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy...

They're gonna revoke my membership for this. What happened to the Club dammit? The first member- oh Lord, new chapter- and the other got married. That's right Mama! Say something now! That leaves me. Just me. Riding solo. I need a new posse. But what I really need is...

No! Nope! Hell no! Can't say it. I may feel it but feelings, having feelings, really sucks especially when you don't know how the other person feels. Loves enhances women; broken hearts create bitches. Wouldn't you agree Buddha? It's all your fault. Yes you. I gotta blame someone for this. You're the only man I ever truly from the depths of my soul really loved and the closest I ever came to, eh hem, making love. Well, at least til now. Miss you Kitty!

At least I'm over the Sagitarrian Sickness. I have been bombarded by Sagitarrian men, and every man who caught my attention was a hispanic Sagitarrius. Well, the hispanic part still sticks. Hispanic men- the Latin Lovers- are the most passionate and know how to take care of their women. I have a new fixation- the Leo.

I'm writing constantly now, mainly in my head. Words are flowing effortlessly as if they are writing themselves. I was working on the kitchen, mentally scribing my next blog, and still I think of him.

He's got this big ol' beer belly and when he lays on his side the arch from his stomach to his knees looks like a crescent moon, well, more like a c-clamp. I love chunky men, men with meat. I used to date the slim jims, the male adonises; but since Buddha that notion is almost grotesque. I'm down with the thickness- those big, warm snuggle bears. Whew! A skinny guy? I may as well be holding myself. I love my Kitty! Oops, did I just say that? You know what I meant.

Do I LOVE Kitty? No, not yet at least. It's hard for me to open my heart. As of now he's the only man I'm attracted to and I am treating this as if I was committed to him. If it all works out, "We asked Myisha if she has been with any other man since Kitty. She said no and the lie detector determined... She is telling the truth." I love Maury, mostly on Repeat Offender Day- that's when all those women who were 1000% sure their baby's dad was such-n-such come back to test someone else.

I'm laying down but I need to do Round 2 in the kitchen. In a couple hours I will be laying here again with my baby girl next to me. How am I gonna sleep? I wish I was in his arms. It felt so good to cuddle up with him.

Random thought #146: I was curled up with Kitty. I roll over frequently cause I love when my chest is pressed up against his while my head is resting in his chest and my arm carressing his back; but I love when my back is against him with his arms wrapped around me. I had my back to him. Now I have a big back (and stomach, thunder thighs, but that's another story), and I happened to notice that my ass fits so nicely in the nook of his lap- that c-clamp I described. And I thought, "yup, like a hand to a glove."

He sleeps in the buff and so do I, so his penis was lodged in my ass crack. It's hard to sleep with him. He excites me to no end. He had to work today and he had just went to sleep. I didn't mean to wake him. Ok, I didn't intend to wake him. I didn't wanna wake him? Still not right. Ok, I felt bad for waking him. Not right either cause it was good, trust and believe. Uh, he had to work, it was late and the correct response should have been to let him sleep. Yeah, there it is.

I wanna call Buddha (random thought). I wanna know what happened between us, I mean what really happened. His life was so chaotic and I understood that and that's a major factor in our demise, but I'm no angel. The only common factor in all my failed relationships is me. I don't want to make that repeated mistake again so any insight would be lovely. Buddha's easy to talk to, a good friend when he's around. Fun to talk to. I miss him, the friendship that is. As far as anything else is concerned I got over that two year ago. "I need a woman like you in my life." What a crock of shit. I'll never forget him saying that. Kitty or no Kitty, that's a done deal.

Do I LOVE Kitty? Did I answer that yet? Oh Lord, 40 is seriously kicking in. Damn phone. How do I scroll up on this thing? No, not yet. I love the sex that's for sure. He's great but I'm just gonna wait and see what happens. I didn't plan to stay in New Mexico forever and he lives two hours away in Texas. Cool drive by the way. We're gonna remain "friends" til further notice, or at least until we know how we feel. Time will tell. No rush. But he's awesome. Highly interested, that's the word(s).

Call Me Maybe? What kind of title is that for a song? Bug is watching YouTube, Wipeout is on tv, Drew's phone is ringing "ring-a-ding ding da ding da ding ding" (it's a cute little tune). It's after 7, the kids are going out soon to play hide and seek and I gotta hit the kitchen a second time and Ja will be home soon. I need a smoke but it sure feels good to write again. That's inspiration. Thanks Kitty. I miss you baby. Is that information he needs at this juncture...? junction in time? I tell him, he says the same. It almost replaces the I love you thing. Better cut that out. Stick to the plan.

Second rule of Fight Club: Do NOT talk about Fight Club!

Purrrrrr......

The air is heavy here. Maybe it's me. Nah, it's eveything. It seems everytime I get sick things just seem to go to hell. Am I a plague or something? I'm just getting over another sinus infection and my jaw had been hurting for nearly a week. But not now, not since last night. I read that endorphines are natural pain killers and I think I can honestly validate that statement. I can't stop thinking about him...

It's been a month since I seen him, my Kitty. Last go round, or should I say the first go round was February 2nd, the eve of Super Bowl XLVII- 49ers vs The Ravens (the Ravens won even though I was routing for the 9ers, but who gave a shit, I was euphoric). We had met only a few days before but something was there- a connection. That was the night I made love for the first time. He was so gentle yet so passionate. I was lost in his embrace and his kiss was beyond compare.

But hurricane Mish struck again. After that night he became distant and reserved. I hated it. I was flooded with a line of texts that either read "thanx" or "ok." Not once did he say he had a good time or acknowlege how he felt about that night. So it emerged, the bluntness, the psycho-babble bullshit that is known to send many heading for higher ground- real talk, the workings of the female mentality.

I called him less than a week ago, an accident really. Somehow when my cell is charging and I start farting around on it it will make random phone calls and twacked out texts...

Twacked (v.)- Mish's contraction of the english verbs "trippin" and "whacked," both meanings referring that either something or a situation is not right; weird; not working properly; any event beyond reason and comprehension, etc.

...so I texted him. What else could I do? There obviously was a missed call from me after what, three weeks of radio silence? So I sent him a hi, hope all is well, and apologized for my behavior. I missed him. "Who's this?" He deleted my number? Fucker! But then again so did I. So how did my phone randomly call a number not in contacts? Yup, twacked!

I was so nervous that I actually went into a panic. I had a moderate dizzy spell, my chest hurt, my jaw was killing me, I shouldn't have driven. But I wanted to see him, be in his arms one more time. I didn't want to lose him. I guess it was fear that made me push him away but now the Morning After Syndrome was kicking my ass... More like beating it.

Yeah those endorphines work wonders. He felt so great and had the intensity and passion from before. This time was slightly different. He was more dominating, forceful and all that other primal aggression that I crave. But he was still loving and gentle at the same time. My Lion King, sign of the Leo, my Kitty.

I love my girl. She keeps it so real. Bitch! I tell her everything but she somehow knows more about me than what I tell her. "It takes a real man to be a pussy dammit!" But she and her husband are both leos so I give her all the juicy details. (I'm digging on this guy, seriously.) Kitty lets me pet him- a scratch behind his ear or on top of his head, a belly rub- and he purrs.

As I laid on his chest I nibbled at his chin. His mustache migrated. It went from a landing strip over his upper lip to a weeping willow neating trimmed on the base of his chin. I looked at him, he smiled; yet in the back of my mind I pictured him wearing dark shades while strumming a guitar singing La Bamba. Or maybe I just associated the weeping willow with Los Lobos.

The kids are supposed to be cleaning the bedroom. There's a futon mattress in the middle of the floor in which they decided to zip themselves into the mattress cover inside the mattress itself. They screamed for help. No one came to the rescue, not right away anyway. Justin called out the most. His voice will hopefully be gone by tomorrow. A good ten minutes or so and I peaked in. They really were stuck- couldn't get their tiny fingers far enough out of the hole to reach thw zipper. How did she manage to close it to begin with? Way to go Bug. I laughed.

And still I cannot stop thinking about him. My daughter and nephew apparently need adult supervision and I can't get this man's penis out of head. I can hear her now, "Honey, your just feeling an intense emotional kind of feeling because you just had really good sex and now you're euphoric. Don't mix up sex and love. Remember the Fight Club." Shut up Kim! Bitch! We studied psychology together so we tend to sling the psycho-babble-yada-yada back and forth to each other. Yeah, I know you too, as well as you know me.

What am I doing? Do I really need any romantix hassles, much less feelings for a man I'm banging? He's wonderful. He makes me feel alive. I want it to work but I have broken the golden rule- DO NOT GIVE IT IP RIGHT AWAY. MAKE HIM WAIT. Whoops. So what's a girl to do? Bitch it up, get him sprung and play his game on your turf. I call it "I win."

First rule of Fight Club: You don't talk about Fight Club...

Inspiration

God it feels good to write again. Thanx Kitty. You did this...

So who is Kitty? Well, I'll explain that later. But he knows who he is- one of few men who've really had a dramatic impact on my life. Right Buddha? And of course there was Honey, who gave me the most gorgeous child anyone could ask for; Hunny, who allowed me to open my heart up once more; Baby, who incited a passion I didn't know was there; My Boo, who even though I never see, I will always be able to feel; and Kragen, who was there for me in my darkest hour. (Can you tell I have a thing for nicknames? If I've named you, yes I gave a f#%k.)

You know what inspiration is? It's a freedom, a happiness that's tangible, it's a lifestyle. My inspiration comes from understanding me, finding myself again and finally learning to be at peace with myself. So I write to look back and understand all these things that I think and feel. Who am I? I'm Just Me.

Someday someone will read this. Maybe many will. Someday my daughter will. Bug, this is for you. You are my heart, my soul, and everything that I have done right. You will know everything about me- the good times, the bad times, and of course, the ugly times. Some of these you may want to scroll past, but then again, you'll be old enough to read it. I love you Bug.... Forever.