I Need Love

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall

And in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call

Telling me I need a [guy] who's as sweet as a dove

For the first time in my life I see I need love

There I was giggling about the games

That I had played with many hearts and I'm not saying no names

Then a thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn

Cause I said to myself look what you've done to [him]

I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels

All I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal

Playing make believe, pretending that I'm true

Holding in my laugh as I say that I love you

Saying amor, kissing you on the ear

Whispering I love you and I'll always be here

Although I often reminisce I can't believe that I found

A desire for true love floating around

Inside my soul because my soul is cold

One half of me deserves to be this way til I'm old

But the other half needs affection and joy

Ans the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy...

They're gonna revoke my membership for this. What happened to the Club dammit? The first member- oh Lord, new chapter- and the other got married. That's right Mama! Say something now! That leaves me. Just me. Riding solo. I need a new posse. But what I really need is...

No! Nope! Hell no! Can't say it. I may feel it but feelings, having feelings, really sucks especially when you don't know how the other person feels. Loves enhances women; broken hearts create bitches. Wouldn't you agree Buddha? It's all your fault. Yes you. I gotta blame someone for this. You're the only man I ever truly from the depths of my soul really loved and the closest I ever came to, eh hem, making love. Well, at least til now. Miss you Kitty!

At least I'm over the Sagitarrian Sickness. I have been bombarded by Sagitarrian men, and every man who caught my attention was a hispanic Sagitarrius. Well, the hispanic part still sticks. Hispanic men- the Latin Lovers- are the most passionate and know how to take care of their women. I have a new fixation- the Leo.

I'm writing constantly now, mainly in my head. Words are flowing effortlessly as if they are writing themselves. I was working on the kitchen, mentally scribing my next blog, and still I think of him.

He's got this big ol' beer belly and when he lays on his side the arch from his stomach to his knees looks like a crescent moon, well, more like a c-clamp. I love chunky men, men with meat. I used to date the slim jims, the male adonises; but since Buddha that notion is almost grotesque. I'm down with the thickness- those big, warm snuggle bears. Whew! A skinny guy? I may as well be holding myself. I love my Kitty! Oops, did I just say that? You know what I meant.

Do I LOVE Kitty? No, not yet at least. It's hard for me to open my heart. As of now he's the only man I'm attracted to and I am treating this as if I was committed to him. If it all works out, "We asked Myisha if she has been with any other man since Kitty. She said no and the lie detector determined... She is telling the truth." I love Maury, mostly on Repeat Offender Day- that's when all those women who were 1000% sure their baby's dad was such-n-such come back to test someone else.

I'm laying down but I need to do Round 2 in the kitchen. In a couple hours I will be laying here again with my baby girl next to me. How am I gonna sleep? I wish I was in his arms. It felt so good to cuddle up with him.

Random thought #146: I was curled up with Kitty. I roll over frequently cause I love when my chest is pressed up against his while my head is resting in his chest and my arm carressing his back; but I love when my back is against him with his arms wrapped around me. I had my back to him. Now I have a big back (and stomach, thunder thighs, but that's another story), and I happened to notice that my ass fits so nicely in the nook of his lap- that c-clamp I described. And I thought, "yup, like a hand to a glove."

He sleeps in the buff and so do I, so his penis was lodged in my ass crack. It's hard to sleep with him. He excites me to no end. He had to work today and he had just went to sleep. I didn't mean to wake him. Ok, I didn't intend to wake him. I didn't wanna wake him? Still not right. Ok, I felt bad for waking him. Not right either cause it was good, trust and believe. Uh, he had to work, it was late and the correct response should have been to let him sleep. Yeah, there it is.

I wanna call Buddha (random thought). I wanna know what happened between us, I mean what really happened. His life was so chaotic and I understood that and that's a major factor in our demise, but I'm no angel. The only common factor in all my failed relationships is me. I don't want to make that repeated mistake again so any insight would be lovely. Buddha's easy to talk to, a good friend when he's around. Fun to talk to. I miss him, the friendship that is. As far as anything else is concerned I got over that two year ago. "I need a woman like you in my life." What a crock of shit. I'll never forget him saying that. Kitty or no Kitty, that's a done deal.

Do I LOVE Kitty? Did I answer that yet? Oh Lord, 40 is seriously kicking in. Damn phone. How do I scroll up on this thing? No, not yet. I love the sex that's for sure. He's great but I'm just gonna wait and see what happens. I didn't plan to stay in New Mexico forever and he lives two hours away in Texas. Cool drive by the way. We're gonna remain "friends" til further notice, or at least until we know how we feel. Time will tell. No rush. But he's awesome. Highly interested, that's the word(s).

Call Me Maybe? What kind of title is that for a song? Bug is watching YouTube, Wipeout is on tv, Drew's phone is ringing "ring-a-ding ding da ding da ding ding" (it's a cute little tune). It's after 7, the kids are going out soon to play hide and seek and I gotta hit the kitchen a second time and Ja will be home soon. I need a smoke but it sure feels good to write again. That's inspiration. Thanks Kitty. I miss you baby. Is that information he needs at this juncture...? junction in time? I tell him, he says the same. It almost replaces the I love you thing. Better cut that out. Stick to the plan.

Second rule of Fight Club: Do NOT talk about Fight Club!