Good Friday -> Bad Saturday

I can't get him out of my head. I'm trying. I gotta clean up, Easter's tomorrow and the house is half in shambles. My body is sore all over but the heartache is worse. I focus on that and the aches and pains disappear; I fight the heartache and the aches and pains return.

I have his picture in my mind. I can see it so clearly. I memorized every line, every curve, every hue of every color. It was the first pic he ever texted me. That was about four phones ago. I still have it. It's on one of my computer discs that I loaded a bunch if pictures on, locked away in my storage unit in Stockton. If I was an artist I could draw it easily down to the last detail. He's thinking about me. I'm almost sure of it.

So far my readings have shown me three types of connections a person has with a loved one: the soulmate, the twin flame, and the soul tie. I'm still researching the soul tie, and although how I feel about Mario is very close to that, the best and most accurate description is the twin flame.

The telepathic connection between twin flames is crazy and beyond all scientific reasoning. You would have to experience it to believe it. He always knew when I was in Hanford and when I left for Stockton, even if he wasn't consciously aware of it. Months will go by and I know when he will call. We can talk forever and I will know when the last time will be that we speak. When I can't get him out of my head, he tells me he was thinking about me during that time. All things weird, true and freaky. I'm still researching...

Hmmm, I can't think right now. I don't know what more to say. The words escape me. The last message, he will call or text on the 10th when he gets his phone back. I don't believe it and yet I feel that he will. I can't think. That picture is branded deep in my mental rolodex and is piercing straight through my eyes. He's thinking about me. Buddha, I'm thinking of you too.

It's not a good day

ADENDUM:

I had a weird experience once, very long time ago. I was laying on my bed watching tv and I blinked, but when my eyes opened I wasn't home. I wasn't even in the same body. I was in a man's. I looked around the room. Each time that I focused on something it seemed to zoom in where I could see detail, almost like Catwoman's vision when she focused on something. I was in a bedroom, the tv was on. I can't remember what I was watching, but I did then. I wrote this all down in a journal I no longer have. I wanna say it was CSI. There was someone on the bed next to me sleeping. I couldn't see who. They were curled in a tight ball, wrapped snuggly in the blanket and sleeping like a baby. I described the room in my journal but I can faintly remember it now. It was quite some time ago.

I asked Buddha to describe his room to me once upon a time. He probably thought I was nuts. It was a week or so after that "dream." He did, all the way to the lighting. He even told me that he imagined me curled up on his bed once. I was there, I know I was. His description and my journal matched perfectly except that my description was a mirror image. It was coincidental enough for me. He even told me about the piece of clothing that was sticking out of one of his dresser drawers. Exactly what I had written.

I thought that over for so long then suddenly it made sense. That person in his bed was me and in that room I would have been facing a mirror. So what I saw and what I wrote was a reflection. I don't think I ever told him why I asked him about his room. But if he reads this he will know.

What made me think about that just know? Oh yeah, the whole telepathic connection thing. Yup, all things weird, true and freaky.

Time to clean.

Clouds

I just got home. I pulled into my parking spot, turned off the engine, gather my things, and opened the door. Before I hopped out the car I saw two birds in the sky above the roof of my house. They didn't flap their wings. They simply glided, soaring high in the air. They were free.

My focus shifted to the space between my house and the one next door. It was the perfect picture. I pulled a cigarette from the pocket of my driver door, lit it and continued to stare into the distance and thought to myself "That describes me perfectly."

It's a beautiful day, the sun is out and the birds are singing. Rarely do I bother to notice. But in that warm sky were clouds I could not take my eyes off of- half of them were crisp and clear, the other half a dull smudge across the heavens. The smudge caught most of my attention.

I jumped from the car, pulled my chair from the back seat, grabbed my phone and made my way between the houses. I had to get a shot of this, maybe show Barbara. This was my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, painted in the sky. I need this picture.

I came inside and reviewed it. Surprise, surprise. Usually my scenery pics don't turn out very well but this one did. Good deal, pat on the back. Maybe it was because I felt this one as opposed to looking at it. I guess that would constitute perception. It's not so much of the eyes as it is of the heart.

I know God is out there somewhere in the distance holding on to my happiness that seems practically unobtainable. He's the sky. For every blessing that I have is a crisp and clear cloud, billowy and bright. The rest makes no sense at all but it's there, smeared across such a wonderful picture.

There are power lines thinly streached across the sky. My power source, that which gets me up each agonizing morning and keeps me going throughout each and every miserable day. Where does that energy come from and what direction is it headed? You can't see it beneath its sheath but you know it's there.

A couple trees are in the bottom corner. Funny I didn't notice them before. But then again I don't tend to stray too far from the front door on a regular basis or for extended periods of time. They looked like blacked out shapes but under better lighting I can see that they are green. My eyes are not the best in this world but then again that could just be my perception.

I went out to see the kids from the bus. Justin's leaving for home in a couple days. Sorry baby. I tried to get mommy to let you stay. So many reasons to stay, only one to return home to. I love you and will see you in a couple of months. By the end of summer? Ok Gwen, take him back! But I saw a new area of sky as I got the kids- a patch that was much cloudier and had more smears than clarity. That's me too. Some days are brighter and sharper than others. On the worst of days those clouds are crammed together. It rains. Other times a swirling vortex forms high above which will eventually funnel to the ground. It causes minimal to maximum damage depending on the severity. I'm not in the mood. Leave me alone.

Feelings change with the weather and many times I wish I could control them. But the weather is uncontrollable to man. It just is what it is on the day that it's on. God can fix this if I let Him. Any suggestions? I'll google it.

Feelings need to be felt within the spirit not seen with the eyes. But I guess one must step outside themselves once in a while to see the clarity behind the smudges. Tornados destroy; man rebuilds. God tests us all. He's the weather. How strong the will is determines our survival. We rebuild, we adapt to survive. I'm just breathing. That's hard enough. It's time to survive.

To my cousin Marie. Girl, thank you for always being there. Thank you for being you and seeing past the.mask I have sculpted to near perfection. Ja, there are no words in Heaven or Earth to express how much I treasure you. Mom, sorry for being a pain in the ass. I love you. Bug, I read once: my father never taught me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it. You are a perfect reflection of him. You are my teacher. I will learn. Mo, Jodi, Drew, I carry you in my soul. I love my family. Family is love. So what the hell am I complaining for? I will learn. Just give me some minutes.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I'm sure I'll forget. Note to self: remember Good Friday and give the hour of silence to remember what Jesus did for me. Catholosism works for me. Give praise to the saints. In time sins will be confessed and when I'm ready I will ask for forgiveness. Someday, hopefully before I croak. I'll learn.

Lesson 2: Forgiveness. Buddha, block is gone. If you every wonder where my mind is, look to the weather for guidance. I will have sunny days, stormy days, and all days in between. Just gotta dress for the occassion. Todays forcast: partly cloudy.

Time to get moving. Time to clean. Keep it together Mish and let those clouds stay where they belong... in the sky. God will take it from there.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost... Amen

V's Theory

"If someone does something that makes them happy for at least 10 minutes every day, that person will stay happy for 24 hours."

He told me this last night, and I have been trying to look that up ever since. Technically speaking, or theoretically, you can google just about everything. I have not found it yet.

V is my best friend here in New Mexico. I met him a year ago, practically to the day, but we maintained a distant friendship. He was always over the road working and as of a couple of weeks ago, he moved here to Lovington. Poor thing. Hey, can't say I didn't warn him.

He reminds me so much of Poppa, my best friend in California. They are similar in so many ways, fun-loving, spirited, down to earth, and just the lights in my life. I also met V the same way I met Poppa- online. He was on a site where I game; Poppa was a dating site but that was never the basis for our friendship. Both men I either texted or called but didn't meet in person. It was almost comforting knowing someone was always there, and most importantly, not a friendship I would compromise.

V knows about Buddha, and as of recent events I was rather upset. He finally convinced me to go hang out for a beer with him last night, and I did. He's hella cool, same as Poppa. It's nice to have good people like that in your circle. He cheered me up. We laughed, drank and just joked around.

Anything else you ask? Hehehe, well, what can I say? I'm me. I'm single so I act single. I may feel like dying most times, but I am not dead yet. He's married to a beautiful lady, but she lives a ways from here. I'm gonna burn for sure.

V tells me it's not about what he has, it's about what he needs. I asked him what he needed and he said "Everyday I need you." Freaking liar, but it sure sounded good sliding off his tongue and flowing from his lips. He's a charmer and it is painfully obvious why any woman would walk the aisle with him. Buddha says an occassional something that hits me just the right way. I call it Tyler Perry Shit. When V says it, it seems genuine and from the heart. Just my luck that he's married.

PART 2:

I started writing this yesterday but V monopolized most of my time with all his texting. He makes me smile. I was supposed to go out with him last night, but he got called into work, or had to get up very early for work. Two in the morning? Aww, my sweetie. He could've just texted me to let me know that the plan changed but he came to see me anyways, just for a few minutes. He wanted to see me and kiss me and, of course, to bite my lip. He loves doing that. It's cute.

Now if Buddha would.... Nope, can't go there. He texted me the other night. Some crazy story about lending his phone to the fam. Yeah, whatever. You are job searching, dealing with probation and whatever else you got going on, but you are giving up the cell for a couple weeks? Ok. Funny how that message came within the 48 hour unblocking grace period, according to my estimation of when you would have read it. I wrote that Friday night which meant that the 48 hours ended Sunday night not Monday. Yeah, I checked the log on the blocker app. By the way, if Robster calls it's a favor to me. If you answer yours, I will not answer mine.

The 24 hour happiness has expired. I don't feel bad or sad, just neutral I guess. V, time for a recharge babe. He texts all the time not that I really want or need him to cause he works long hours. But he's such a sweetheart. He told me he loves me. Huh? "It's been a year and you're always so sweet to me. We're friends but it don't take that long to love you. If it takes that long for a man to know he loves you than he doesn't deserve a beautiful woman like you. Valdivia 100%" AMEN BABY!

So the plan is that he's gonna keep me happy for the next two months until I go back to Cali, and when I come back after summer, if I do. I have plans to see Poppa while I'm there and we are gonna hang in Modesto with his sister and her man. Good deal. My time will be occupied and I won't have much of it to dwell on You-Know-Who. I miss you Poppa and can't wait to see you. I gotta text him.

Two weeks til he calls, huh? I'm about to kick that number way up. If he answers that call then he may as well forget it. I got no time for bullshit. If you really wanna play this game Mario, ante up. But I will win.

Seventh Rule of Fight Club: Always take hair from the dog that bit you

My Little Cadets

A stray dog came into the house a few hours ago, or maybe the kids let it in. Leave it to those munchkins, in and out, in and out. He was cute in his own way I guess, but there was something about those big blue eyes that seem to pop straight out of his head.

It was a bulldog pup, black with a white head down to his neck. He was friendly, really liked kids. I was in the bathroom while he explored room after room but as soon as I came out he jumped all over me, nudged and nibbled at my hands. Definately a puppy. But he was a bit bigger than my dog. Princess is a mini pinscher.

I had the kids put him outside. He definately belonged to someone, hopefully knew his way home. He disn't have a collar and none of the neighbor kids recognized that dog. I thought it belonged to one of the neighbors who have very similar looking dogs but her boys were outside and said it wasn't theirs.

The dog tried to go in Chops' house. Chops is one of Ja's coworkers, and his son scooted the dog out with his foot. Of course Mr and Mrs Drama King and Queen ran in to tell me that Lane kicked it in the eye. I got mad. My dog is missing her right eye, I gave up my pit cause one of the kids hurt her which started a problem, and I watched too much Animal Cops back in the day. So I decided to have a chit chat with his mommy. She told me the real happenings but still my heart sank. So I told all the kids that if they saw the dog again to bring it to me, which they did a short time later.

In his own way he was cute, definately friendly and playful. I don't think he cared for the kennel too much but Bug said he liked to pee. So that was his accomodation while I called the P.D. since animal control wasn't open. He was a good boy, a bit rambunctious but then again so are the kids. It was best, he was lost and I would've felt worse if he got hurt or if he hurt the kids.

A cop came almost an hour later to pick him up. By then he had stopped yapping in the cage. It wasn't constant, just an occassional "Lemme outta here." Whatever it was every yelp broke my heart. Justin helped the officer get him out of the kennel and put the leash around his neck. All the kids said their goodbyes and waved as he was getting loaded into the rear of the patrol car.

The cop gave them all sticker badges- Kira, Justin, Tommy, Ricky, Haley and Lane. They were happy. "We're police helpers!" they kept shouting. The cop smiled. I thought it was too cute.

When the cop left the kids went back to their work which was disassembling a once motorized car. It was some car the kids found behind the house. No one knew who it belonged to. A couple if kids got hurt playing in it, so one of the parents scheduled it for destruction. Well, hauling it to the dump anyway. I should've taken a picture of Bug with my screwdriver in hand taking the car apart piece by piece. All the kids were, taking a piece and running around with it like Tonka Trophies. The little police cadets turned Hasbro mechanics. It was too cute.

A Dedication

You Just Don't Wanna Know by Marvin Winans

One of my favorite songs, touching and inspiring. Buddha, this is for you:

I hurt so many nights

Cried so many hours

Trying to make it right

Just didn't have the power

You ignored all my tears

In hopes they'd disappear

I tried to let it show

But I guess you just don't wanna know

I came to you in love

I came to you in ernest

Could you possibly explain

Why the flames, why the furnace

Just needed to get it clear

I was hoping that you would hear

I tried to let it go

But I guess you just don't wanna know

Now it's true that God is always there

He said He'd never leave

But at times a human touch is what I need

And if I had a dime for every time

I tried to call you name

Something tells me I'd be wealthy

But I  learned that I can cope

Yes I did

I discovered I can make it

In nights so long and cold

So cold, you don't know how cold

I learned that I can take it

No I wouldn't change a thing

Not for the knowledge that I gained

I learned that I can grow

I really did

I tried to let it show

I did

I tried to let it go

But I guess you just don't wanna know

Love Sucks!

Love- an ancient something-or-other that died off with the Mayans, recreated by Hollywood and sculpted for the silver screen. Nowadays, it is nowhere to be found. So why exactly do I continue to believe that I will find it? It's stupid, nothing more than a hopeless pursuit that has gotten me nowhere but on the road to disappointment and heartache. My mother used to tell us (and will occassionally remind us), "Don't fall in love with no man. It will cause you trouble and pain." Children learn by example and by experience. I'm listening now, Ma!

King Kong is on. I love that movie. It's a classic right up there with Jaws and The Color Purple. You know, King Kong was a dumbass, a big stupid gorilla that falls in love with some chick who doesn't want him back. She shows a couple of times that she somewhat gives a damn. First time on the ship on their way to America when he's throwing a big old fit in the oil tank and in the end when he croaks. Other than that, she runs from him. But he pursues, never giving up, and in the end gets shot down. It was an impossible match anyways, but still a love story (bet you didn't know that, huh?). So instead of being just a simple dumbass big stupid gorilla, he upgrades to a dead dumbass big stupid gorilla.

Yup, that's me. I'm the dumbass and Buddha is the blonde bitch I continue to chase. Makes no sense. Maybe I'm obsessed. It's time to let go. My heart hurts. I'm tired of hurting.

You ever noticed how love songs just don't hit you right in the heart anymore? But all those heartbreaking, my-soul-is-in-pain ones do. I Miss You by Aaron Hall, It Hurts Like Hell by Aretha Franklin, So Sick by Neo,  There'll Be Sad Songs by Billy Ocean, the list goes on. I could name a million that would just target you right in the chest, direct hit, bullseye. And with every sad love song comes another to empower and reenergize you: Bitch I'm Me by Brisco, Now I'm That Bitch by Livvi, No Scrubs by TLC. There's a whole new list for you there. So really, what happened to the days of Luther Vandross, The Isley Brothers, James Ingrahm, Peabo Bryson?

If I could describe my dream relationship it would definately be Goose and Carol. Yeah, Top Gun was amongst today's entertainment. They are just the most promising and enjoyable couple, up until Goose bites it of course. But in a way that describes me too- happy one minute and the next it's gone. Things that make you go hmmm. Who sang that? Forgot.

I blocked his number, not that it would really matter cause he most likely won't call anyways. If he cares he will.but I highly doubt it. That's why love is an illusion. Your head gets clouded with hope and faith and in the end that's all you're really holding on to. Letting go is the hard part cause all you have to look forward to is a whole lotta nothing. Sometimes it's hard to decide what's worse, holding on to a lie or moving on with the truth. The story of my life, they both suck.

Buddha, Mario, whoever the fuck I'm dealing with right now, here's my problem: we have been through so much together and yet we have been through nothing together. You come, you go. I'm happy, I'm sad. It's a vicious cycle. We are both two severely damaged souls, we both are the causes of own own demise, and we both set ourselves up for failure. I'm scared taking another shot at this cause deep down I know you'll fade away and disappear. Newton's Law: for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. I think that was Newton. Whatever. Bottom line, I can feel you. I know when you will pop up just as I can feel when you're slipping away. And it drives me insane when you leave so I react in a not so sensible manner.

If you're going to be in my life, make the effort to stay there. If you have no intention on sticking around or if you plan to hide me from your kids as you have done, then by all means just go. It hurts when I don't hear your voice, it hurts knowing I may never be with you, it hurts knowing that I may never see or speak to you again. But what's worse? This lie or admitting the truth?

I could be disillusioned, it could be the product of negative thinking, or maybe it really is true. My head is screwed up and I need time to think, or maybe I need to learn to let go. I don't have any fight left in me and I won't beg. If you are trying to protect me from your life than you, to the highest degree, underestimate me. Maybe you undervalue me? Maybe I'm the only one you feel honestly give a fuck and you need to hold onto that to keep you going. The chair perhaps? How would that look with me rolling in to meet the fam? I don't know what to think and how to feel where you're concerned.

I will send you one last text, the link to find this message. And I will unblock your number for 48 hours. If you want me, if you wanna make this work, call. A simple text will do. But if you don't or if you're not sure or not ready, then let me be, and I ask that we never speak again. I cannot endure this anymore.

Know that I will always love you but I cannot be your puppet. After five years I think I deserve the truth and not to be your dirty little secret where we go off in the night and as you call it "fuck like rabbits." I want someone to love who will love me back, and if you are incapable of that than make way for someone else. I know you have problems, I understand your trials, but love endures all. If you will not let me be there for you than I need to be without you.

I realize that this whole thing is screwy and probably unneccesary. Over a phone call, the one you said you would make tomorrow which by now was three or four days ago. And it's not so much that you didn't, it's that you haven't acknowledged it. A text saying you were tired or even a good morning one would have sufficed. But it's that bitter silence that eats through me like acid. I never needed to be the top priority in your life, but one of them would be cool. I don't have to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up, but it would be nice to be the last. The smallest of gestures usually mean the most.

I feel that I could be happy with you too. You said you don't wanna hurt me. So don't.

Sixth Rule of Fight Club: Never look back

Life Is But A... Movie?

I think too much. Sometimes I really wish my head would just shut up, you know. Or maybe I watch too many movies. That must be it, considering I correlate different aspects of my life to a given film, not to mention I quote one too many movies.

I'm thinking about Buddha, crossed with that episode I had a few days ago. I don't know what else to call it. Definately not a dream or a premonition. I looked back on my blogs and it's funny how the post before "that one" happened to come directly after my haunted one. God was listening.

Then it got me thinking, there is a reason it didn't work between me and Buddha (I know, that was in left field, right?). I do that a lot but you'll get used to it.

Enter Anakin Skywalker. He's not necessarily innocent but there is something so pure and endearing about him. You can relate to him in every way. You know where's he is, where he's been, and all you wanna do is give him a much better life. He captures you heart instantly. That's Buddha, when we first met of course. Just like little Anakin, he had me at "Hello."

Anakin's grown and training to become a Jedi. He meets a girl, falls in love and all the while war is breaking out around him. In this particular version of Star Wars, I'm Padme, except I didn't bear his kids. The Emperor did.

Sorry Buddha but I really have no love for that woman. I'm sure at some much earlier point in time you saw the Senator Palpatine that may have had a shred of good in him, and maybe that's how you two paired up. So you guys produced your army of Storm Troopers and you lived happily ever after on the Death Star, but I am not judging (yeah, that's a joke, haha).  I'm simply saying that I don't like her.

So Anakin and Padme, although their union was hidden for specific reasons, had this magical bond of love between them. The world was in chaos and as Anakin tried to stick to his beliefs and keep his head above water, Padme was lost to him and he was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. (That's actually how it happened between Buddha and I).

Darth Vader, one badass sith who once was good but is now all kinds of wrong. But that's now he was introduced. He was Vader first. He was the bad guy you loved to hate. And he had an awesome black suit that amazed you. He was a bastard. Go Luke! This is how I met Mario. I didn't like him, and I rebelled.

My heart was shattered in millions of pieces. I cried more times than I could count. I loved him. How could he choose to get back with that thing over me? I understood. He had kids. She was trying to destroy him and he had to be there to stop his castle from burning to the grounds. One week before my 37th birthday....

Ja went to see him seven months later. I sent her there. The love of a sister is amazing. She called me and as I sat silent on the other line, she tucked her cell in her pocket and proceeded to see him. Tears fell as his voice rung through my ears. God I missed him. Love is unconditional. The call dropped and I was crushed. I wanted desperately to call her back but he would know. I waited for her call, to hear the story of what my lost love had to say. After an agonizing several minutes a text came through. His phone, his picture.

I think I was more overwhelmed than anything. My Buddha returned. He wanted to explain but I couldn't hear it. One day I finally did. It hurt. I snapped. Again he was gone. How To Lose A Guy In Seven Days.

Several months later in late summer or fall I saw his youngest son on MySpace. I don't remember how I came across it, but I eventually sent a note to him for his dad. He wrote back, not his son, but him, along with a friend request. Again I was happy.

Another year had passed until I would last see him. I begged Robster too many times to talk to him for me. It finally worked and he called. I didn't recognize his voice right away but he told me "It's your Buddha." I saw him that night, made the 2 1/2 hour trip just to see him. Well, I was going anyway to my aunt's, but now I had a greater purpose. Two years and I finally have my Buddha back.

But it wasn't him. It wasn't his smile, not his voice, not his laugh, not his words. Nothing about him said Buddha. It was Mario. That was the last time I ever saw him. Buddha was gone.

"Vader betrayed and murdered your father... So what I said was true, from a certain point of view." Way to go Obi Wan. That's how I felt about Mario. He killed my Buddha. Move on. And I did.

Forward through both trilogies, all six movies have been done, the story is told. Vader was not exactly universally loved during the first set of films although he did redeem himself in the end; the second set, you really inderstood who he was, you have a much better perspective, and you realize that he was not quite the bastard you first thought he was. It made sense. He was just caught up in bullshit.

I think it was Mario I talked to last November. I'm sure it was. And I know I said some things that were not right. It was just remnants from the loss of my Buddha. Yet I think that's the person I'm getting to know now. Loving my Buddha means loving Mario too. Buddha told once that he makes a better best friend than he does a boyfriend. I never believed that, even when Mario emerged.

Once upon a time I researched the true meaning of a soulmate. It's stated that a person will have many soulmates and I do- definately my daughter, my sisters, my mom and dad, my aunt, my nieces and nephews, Mama Kim, and I could name several more. I also read that there is only one twin flame, the other half of your soul that had been ripped away before descending to Earth. One half will fairly be in peace while the other is in chaos. This is the one you were meant for. It may take one or many lifetimes before the two come together, only then can they truly love and live in God's Glory. I wonder.

I'm not sad anymore, at least not now in this moment. I worry that he'll disappear again but at the same time I'm not worried. What does that mean? I have faith that it will work this time but I feel like it will take a drastic nose-dive into the big blue like the Titanic. Time will reveal (DeBarge, love that song).

And so it goes, like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days Of Our Lives.